Link's Windwaker Adventure!
by Ant423
Summary: The story of Windwaker...With a few humourus plot twists.
1. Link's Journey Begins

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**A/N: **I own everything except Zelda.

**Chapter 1:**

It was a clear, sunny day on the small island of Outset. A little girl with blonde hair emerged from small house at the far end of the island and breathed in the gentle breeze before running off to find her brother.

"Big Brother!" called Aryll, "Oy! Big Brother!"

He was nowhere in sight.

"Oy! Prick! Where the fuck are you?"

Aryll ran down the edge of the beach before arriving at a tall watchtower, which she quickly climbed. In the the middle of the platform at the very top, lay her brother, Link, who was wearing nothing but dirty boxers and was surrounded by smashed beer cans.

"Aw, come on, big brother!" said Aryll, "The fuck is all this?"

Link slowly awoke and rubbed his messy blonde hair as he looked around.

"Where the fuck am I?" asked Link, "God, I'm so fucking hungover."

"Well," said Aryll, "If you hadn't stayed up all night drinking, then you would have known that today is your birthday!"

"Oh, right," said Link, "That's why I got hammered last night. I was depressed about turning 12."

"Why?"

"'Cause, Sis, I'm getting old...Responsiblities and shit. Plus, I have to wear that gay outfit!"

"Speaking of which..."

Aryll pulled out a bunch of dirty green tights.

"Put these on," ordered Aryll.

"Couldn't Grandma at least have ironed them or something?"

"Just put the fucking clothes on and get this shit over with!"

"Easy for you to say," muttered Link, "You're a girl, and you don't have to do this crap!"

"What are you talking about?" said Aryll, "When I come of age, they're gonna staple my vagina shut!"

Link stripped naked (Not caring that his little sister was right in front of him) and put the Hero's clothes on.

"They smell like barf and they're a size too small," moaned Link, "And it's too fucking hot to wear them."

"Yeah, yeah," said Aryll, "Now, Big Brother, I have a surprise for you. Hold out your hands and close your eyes!"

Link did as he was told.

"SURPRISE!"

Link looked down at his hands and saw a red tube-shaped object lying on them.

"The hell is this?" asked Link, "One of your vibrators?"

"No, you fucking dumbass," said Aryll, "It's a telescope! It's so that you can look at things from far away!"

"Sweet!" said Link, "Now at night, I can watch Sue-Belle undress in her house!"

"That's why," began Aryll, "You're only keeping it for today."

"Awwww..."

"Give it a shot! Check out the red postbox."

Link looked through the telescope and examined the red postbox near Grandma's house. There was a tall, bird-like creature standing next to it. It had tons of make-up on and was wearing a blonde wig with a small pink dress.

"Hey," said Aryll, "It's Quill, the transvestite postman! Looks like he's delivering the mail!"

"I think you mean _it's _delivering the mail."

"Shut up!" snapped Aryll, "Hey what's wrong with him? Why's he so anxious?"

"Beats the hell outta me!" said Link.

"OH MY GOD! LOOK UP IN THE SKY!"

Link immediately look up with his telescope. In the sky, he saw an enormous bird carrying a small girl in its claws. Down below, on the sea, a large pirate ship closed in on the bird and began firing rocks at it with a catapult. One rock actually hit the bird, and as it plummeted to the sea, it dropped the girl into the forest on top of Outset Mountain.

"Shit!" said Link, "That was fucking cool!"

"No it wasn't!" yelled Aryll, "Link, you have to save her!"

"Why me? I'm just a child! There's tons of able-bodied fucks on this island who can go!"

"Yeah, but they're all lazy. Just talk to Orca so you can get some kind of weapon to defend yourself!"

"Nice!"

Link dropped down the watchtower and ran immediately to Orca's house. Along the way, he encountered several familiar faces, including Mesa, who was constantly cutting his grass, Sue-Belle, the jar-carrying wench, and the Sturgeon, who lived above Orca and would occassionally step outside to yell harrassing comments at passerby's.

"Oy, Link!" yelled Sturgeon, as Link approached the house, "I'm gonna kill you!"

"Fuck off, old man," snapped Link.

"You can't run, boy! I know where you live!"

"Kiss my green ass!" Link then entered Orca's house.

Orca was sitting in the middle of the room, meditating.

"Hey, Orca!" called Link.

Orca did not answer.

"I said: 'HEY ORCA!'"

Link then stomped on Orca's balls.

"OH! OW!" yelled Orca, "Link! How nice to see you! May I offer you some candy?"

"No time," said Link, "You gotta teach me the ways of the sword in like, five minutes!"

"No can do!" said Orca, "Unless..."

Link then pulled a small bag of grass out of his pocket.

"Yay!" said Orca, "Now you're speakin' my language!"

"Will you teach me or not?" asked Link.

"Sure! Here's your sword, boy. Keep it safe with you. Now, the first lesson..."

For the next grueling five minutes, Link learned a bunch of sword techniques and went from pure amateur to being able to fight off large hordes of vicious monsters.

"Thank you, Sensei," said Link, bowing.

"My name's Orca," said Orca.

"Right..."

"Listen, young Link, before I send you off on your quest, I just want you to know that if you ever need help I'm always there for you. I know how hard it can be growing up without a father figure. Just let me say that I want to be your role model."

"Let's see," began Link, "You give a 12 year old boy a sharp, pointed object, teach him a bunch of lethal sword techniques that could easily take one of his eyes out, then send him into the godforsaken wilderness to search for some bitch he's never met in his life? Yeah, you're a great fucking role model."

"Have fun," said Orca.

Link walked out the door and headed to the path that lead him up the mountain.

* * *

Link eventually reached the forest. Link moved slowly through the trees and tall grass while carefully observing his surroundings.

"Interesting," said Link, "This place looks a lot larger on the inside than it did on the outside."

As Link moved forward, he saw the small girl hanging from a tree by her little pink panties.

"Ooooh," said Link, "Hot..."

However, the tree she hung from was surrounded by two imp-like creatures called Bokoblins.

"Okay," said Link, "Time to take out the trash."

Link charged towards the two creatures and violently slashed one of them then approached the other.

"Come on, motherfucker," said Link, "You wanna mess, ugly? Huh?"

The Bokoblin opened its mouth and let out a roar. Link plunged his sword into its mouth, killing it.

The girl opened her eyes and looked down. She saw Link taking a piss by the tree under her.

"What the..." she began. The brach she hung from snapped and she fell to the floor next to Link.

"Goddamnit," said Link, "Wait until I'm done next time!"

"Did you just save me or something?" asked the girl.

"Yeah," said Link, "But I wish you had woken up later so that I could've raped your unconscious body."

"What?"

"Nothing. What's your name?"

"My name's Tetra," said the girl, "I'm a pirate."

"Yeah," said Link, "And I'm the abominable snowman!"

"Shut up, pretty boy."

"Aren't you thankful I saved you?"

"MISS TETRA!" yelled a voice.

The two turned around and saw a large, hairy-chested man approaching them.

"Miss Tetra!" said the man, "I'm so glad you are safe! When the bird dropped you onto this summit, I thought..."

"Summit?" said Tetra, "That bird dropped me onto a mountain?"

"No shit," said Link.

"That wasn't very nice of it," muttered Tetra.

"That's the worst insult you can think of?" asked Link, "How about '_When I find that fucking chicken I'm gonna ram a lead pipe up its sorry ass_!"

"Come on," said Tetra, "Let's go teach that bird a lesson!"

"Hey!" snapped Link, "What about me, you filthy cow? I saved you!"

"What about the boy?" asked Gonzo.

"Leave him," ordered Tetra.

Link rolled his eyes as the two left the forest. He quickly followed them.

Outside, Tetra, Gonzo and Link approached the bridge to cross it, when Link saw a ghastly, terrifying sight:

"LINK!" snapped Aryll, "Where the fuck have you been?"

"I was saving this goddamn girl's life, you filthy slut!" yelled Link, "The fuck are you doing up here anyways?"

"Grandma's looking for you!" yelled Aryll, "And how long does it take to save someone's life?"

"Fuck you! You come up here next time with a sword, kill a bunch of blue-skinned shitheads, save some random chick's life, and make it back by supper!"

"I'm fed up with your attitude, Link! Why can't you be a nice, caring brother?"

"Why don't you just crawl into a hole and die! I'm fed up of your nagging!"

"Watch your tongue, Big Brother, or I'll take the telescope back!"

"Here, you can have your fucking vibrator back for all I care!"

"Um," began Tetra, "Link..."

However, before Tetra could finish her sentence, the enormous black bird returned and swooped down, grabbing Aryll in its claws. Link watched as she flew away in the distance.

"ARYLL!" screamed Link, "I'll save you!"

Link ran after Aryll. However, she was long gone, and Link, not realizing he was high up, fell right off the edge off the cliff.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!"

Link fell down the cliff and crashed through the roof of Abe and Rose's house, which was right below where the trio stood. Zill and Joel were sleeping in their little bed. As Zill slept, he blew an enormous bubble of snot through his nose. Link had landed right onto the two, waking them up.

"Ow," said Link.

"Hey!" snapped Zill, "You burst my bubble!"

"Your what?" asked Link.

"My nose bubble!" replied Zill, "You burst my nose bubble! Now, you're gonna pay!"

Zill then kicked Link in the balls.

"OH! MY BALLS!" yelled Link.

Link walked out of the house, still clutching his aching testes.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" asked Tetra, "Did you lose all sense of logic in that moment?"

"Yeah I sort of did. Pot does this to you."

"Well whatever," said Tetra, "We better go and save your sister!"

"What are you talking about? She's gone and there's nothing we can do about it. Now, would you like to come over to my house and have some cake?"

"NO!" snapped Tetra, "We're saving your sister! Gonzo..."

Gonzo then grabbed Link by the ear and dragged him to the beach.

"Awwww," said Link, "This sucks worse than a blow job from a ten cent hooker!"

"Ew," said Tetra.

"I swear," continued Link, "Look at the teeth marks!"

"No thanks," said Tetra, "I swore off things that can scar me for life!"

* * *

Later, at the beach:

"You want us to do what?" asked Tetra.

"Nothing," said Link, "Do whatever the hell you want, I don't care!"

"NO!" snapped Tetra, "That's not how it works, numbnuts! You're supposed to beg me to take you along!"

"The hell I am," said Link, "I'm going to bed!"

"It's ten in the morning," said Tetra.

Just then, Quill, the transvestite postman, flew down to the beach where the others stood.

"Hello darlings," said Quill, "How is everyone doing today?"

"Fine," replied everyone.

"I heard a commotion from across the island and decided to check it out. I hope everyone's okay."

"Yeah," replied Link, "We're all fine!"

"No," said Tetra, "His sister got kidnapped by a giant bird!"

"Oh," said Quill, "You mean the Helmaroc King? He's a very dangerous foe who works for a very dark and evil lord...And may I add, he's one sexy beast! Rrrrrr!"

"Where did it take Aryll?" asked Tetra.

"To its nest in the Forsaken Fortress, duh! That thing's been kidnapping plenty of little girls with long ears! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some lovely little packages to deliver! Ta-ta!"

Quill then flew off.

"The Forsaken Fortress?" said Tetra, "That place is heavily fortified and extremely dangerous! There's no way we can get in."

"Oh well," said Link, "At least you tried!"

Tetra slapped her forehead.

"Listen, Link," said Tetra, angrily, "Your sister got kidnapped by a monster, and you're gonna care, and you're gonna come with us so we can rescue her!"

"Alright, alright," said Link, "Geez, if you're gonna nag as much as my bitch of a sister, then I might as well rescue her!"

"Good. Now, is there anything on this island that you can use to defend yourself?"

"Yeah, your fat ass!"

"Very funny. I mean a shield, idiot!"

"Yeah, yeah, hold on!"

Link ran to his grandma's house.

"Grandma?" said Link, as he entered, "Grandma are you there?"

"Oh, my," said the old hag, as she approached Link, "Is that you, Link? Did you put on your hero's clothes?"

"Yeah," replied Link, "Um, where's the shield from our coat of arms?"

"Here it is," said Grandma, "I took it down to clean it. I can't believe another year has passed. You know, wearing those clothes is a great tradition and..."

"Yeah, yeah," said Link, taking the shield, "Listen, Grandma...Earlier today, Aryll was kidnapped by a large bird that took her to a dangerous place. I don't know if she's okay."

"Oh my," said Grandma, "I hope she packed a sweater!"

"Grandma," said Link, "You're not listening!"

"What?" said Grandma, "I'm sorry boy, my hearing ain't what it used to be!"

"ARYLL GOT KIDNAPPED!"

"Who's Aryll?"

Link rubbed his forehead.

"Nevermind," said Link, "Listen, I'm going away for a while...No, for a long time. In fact, I may never return. It's going to be a rough journey."

"Okay, dear," said Grandma, "Just don't forget to pick up some milk along the way!"

"Whatever. Bye!"

"Bye, Link."

Link bent down to kiss Grandma, but instead Grandma walked over to tall plant in the corner and kissed that instead.

"Ooooh Link," said Grandma, "Your skin is a lot rougher than I remembered."

Link simply walked out.

* * *

"Are you ready?" asked Tetra.

"Yeah, I'm ready," replied Link, "Geez, I wouldn't have rescued you if you were gonna be such a bitch."

"Whatever," said Tetra, "Now, let's get the flock outta here!"

Link climbed on board Tetra's ship with all the other pirates. Once everyone was ready, the ship began to take off. Many people in town gathered at the beach to wave goodbye to Link.

"LINK!" yelled Sturgeon, "You can't run forever! When you get back I'm gonna kill you!"

"Shut up, you old fuck!" snapped Link, "Every word that comes outta your mouth is an atrocity!"

And with that, the ship disappeared into the distance and Link's trip to Hell had begun...


	2. The Blair Link Project

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 2:**

After sailing for several days, getting into a few fights, and avoiding many of Niko's attempted sexual assaults, the pirates finally made it to the Forsaken Fortress.

"LINK!" called Tetra, "We made it."

"Finally," said Link, emerging from below decks, "Damnit, Niko! Stop trying to grab my ass!"

"Would you just come up and take a look at this!"

Link approached the edge of the ship where Tetra was and stared at the Forsaken Fortress. It was a large, dark structure with many searchlights and thick, powerful walls.

"Hmmm..." said Link, "Looks kinda like this discotheque I went to once."

"Right," said Tetra, "Well, I'm warning you, this is possibly the most dangerous and scariest place you'll ever visit, not some stupid discotheque, so you better stay sharp."

"I got a fucking sword, don't I?" said Link.

"You'll also have this," said Tetra, handing over a small stone to Link.

"What is this?" asked Link, "One of your..."

"Don't start with the sex jokes!" interrupted Tetra, "It's my pirate charm and it allows you to communicate with me."

"Wow," said Link, "Too cheap to invest in some walkie-talkie? We have to use fucking rocks to talk each other!"

"Yes," said Tetra, "Now, we're going to magically warp you to the Fortress!"

"Really?"

"No, we're gonna stuff you in a cannon and launch you there. Happy travels!"

"Fuck..."

But before Link could finish his insult, Gonzo grabbed him and shoved him head-first into a cannon.

"3...2...1...Fire!"

The cannon fired, sending Link flying ass-first into a large wall of the Forsaken Fortress. Link fell to the floor, with his sword lost on a high up balcony.

"Damn!" said Link, as he stood up, "I think I got a chunk of rock wedged up my ass."

"Hey, Link!" said a voice. Link pulled out the stone, "It's me, Tetra. Did you get in alright?"

"Aside from being sodomized by a pebble, I'm fine," replied Link, "But my sword is gone. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Relax," said Tetra, "Just listen to me and I'll help you find it."

Link walked through the Forsaken Fortress, holding the small stone up to his face. Tetra spoke to Link every now and then and informed him of where it was dangerous.

"Okay, Link," began Tetra, "What do you see?"

"I see..." began Link, "Nothing. It's dark...Really, really dark."

"Open your eyes," sighed Tetra.

Link opened his eyes and found himself in the middle of the Fortress grounds.

"Whatever you do," began Tetra, "Don't get spotted by a searchlight!"

"No problemo!" said Link.

Link ran through the grounds and entered through the closest door.

"Alright," said Link to the stone, "I made it inside, and I'm looking around...it seems pretty empty in here at the moment, and...AH! WHAT WAS THAT? Oh God! Oh God! There's someone here...AH!"

Link began running, and the stone shook violently as he did so.

"I think there's someone here following me...It's so dark in this room, that I can't tell, but I think I can...AAAAAAHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT IS THAT? AAAAAH!"

Link ran some more. He then brought the stone right up to his face. Tears were welling in his eyes and snot was pouring out of his nose.

"I don't think I'm gonna make it," cried Link, "God, I'm so scared right now! Tetra, if you can still hear me now, please tell my Grandma that I love her, and tell Sue-Belle I'm sorry that I steal her panties at night and sniff them, and tell Orca that I'm sorry I stomped on his balls, and if Aryll gets out, tell her I'm sorry that I failed to save her, and Rose...Rose, you fat cow, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM GRANDMA! She's never gonna give you that cake recipe, so you might as well give up, you ugly sack of crap! I love you all so much! WAAAAH!"

Just then, Link looked down and saw a small rat run by.

"Oh," said Link, "It was just a mouse."

Just then, a large Moblin appeared behind Link and grabbed him.

"Gotcha!" shouted the Moblin.

"P.U.!" said Link, "That is some nasty breath!"

"Grrrr..." said the Moblin, "I'm gonna lock you up so we can deal with you later!"

And so the Moblin did. Link sat in his cell, pondering about what to do next.

"Hey!" said Tetra through the stone, "What gives?"

"I'm in jail," replied Link, "Can't you tell? And where the hell were you during my twenty minute long apology?"

"I tuned out," said Tetra, "Around the time you stepped on that rat's tail and went into a frenzy. Now look around the cell. This is a cheap place and there should be some spot where you can crawl through!"

Link looked around. He saw a small rat hole in the ground, which he attempted to squeeze through. Link spent several hours pushing his fat body through the tight space. He eventually emerged in the room outside the cell. He stared at the bars of the cell for several minutes before realizing that he would have been able to squeeze through them.

"FUCK!," said Link, wiping himself off.

Link ran down a few corridors and snuck past a few Moblins before finally making it to the top balcony, where his sword landed. Unfortunately, there was a Bokoblin patrolling.

"Shit," said Link.

The Bokoblin saw Link and walked up towards him.

"OH MY GOD!" shouted Link, "Look over there! A floating dildo!"

"Huh?" said the Bokoblin, as it looked around.

Link used this opportunity to grab his sword. He quickly spun around and chopped the Bokoblin's head off.

"Now," said Link, "I can rescue Aryll and..."

Link then heard a noise. It was the call of a large bird.

"What now?" said Link, annoyed.

The Helmaroc King suddenly swooped down and grabbed Link in its claws. Link sighed as he was taken to the top of the Forsaken Fortress, where a fat man in a black cloak stood waiting.

"Link, I have been waiting for you..." said the man.

"Santa Claus?" said Link, "You're behind all this?"

"What?" snapped the man, "No, it is I, the Great King of Evil!"

"Elvis Presley?"

"No, he's the King of Rock and Roll. I am the King of Evil!"

"Louis the XIV?"

"He's the King of France! Damnit! My name is Ganondorf!"

"Ganondorf?" asked Link, "I've heard about you in the legends. My, you've gotten fat over the years!"

"I was recovering from a bad eating disorder. But I'm back now, and I think I'm ready to take you on and make you my bitch!"

"Sez you," said Link, "A little boy dressed like a fairy kicked your ass many times before, and it's about to happen again, you fucking fat pedophile!"

"Bring it on, boy," said Ganon, "But you can't stop me!"

Link ran up to Ganon, who merely knocked him down.

"Time to get raped!" said Ganon.

Link suddenly lifted his leg and ripped a huge fart.

"AAAAHHH!" yelled Ganon, "That stinks to high hell!"

"Ha! Take that!" said Link, "Feel the power of my ultra-smelly flatulence!"

"You little shit! Get outta here before you stink this place up anymore!"

At that moment, the Helmaroc King returned and grabbed Link with its beak. With one quick swoosh, the giant bird tossed Link across the Great Sea.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!"

Link flew literally across the map. He looked down and saw the ocean below him. He braced himself as he got closer to the water. However, instead of hitting the water, Link landed on a large rock.

"Ow," said Link.

He then slid off the rock and into the water before passing out.


	3. FIGHT!

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 3:**

"Wake up," said a voice.

Link opened his eyes and looked around. For a moment, he thought he was dead, but he soon realized that he was lying in a small boat.

"How the fuck did I end up here?" asked Link.

"Because," said the voice, "I brought you here!"

The head of the boat turned around and faced Link.

"I am the King of Red Lions!" it said.

"WAAAAH!" said Link, "A TALKING BOAT! I gotta lay off the smack!"

"Do not fear me, Link," said the boat, "I am here to help you!"

"My ass," said Link, "You're here to steal my stash! Well, that ain't gonna happen, you fucking canoe!"

"Easy there," said the King of Red Lions, "I just wanna help you find your sister! Obviously you can't do it yourself, little boy!"

"Fuck you," said Link.

"Do you remember the man in the black cloak? Well, his name is Ganon, and he is a twisted pedophile who has been travelling around the Great Sea kidnapping little girls with pointy ears to fulfill his sick fantasy of raping Princess Zelda."

"So he thinks my sister might be some reincarnation of Zelda or something?"

"Yes," said the King of Red Lions, "And if he gets her, bad things may happen. That's why I must train you and turn you into a hero so you can defeat this prick and save your sister!"

"Well," said Link, "I don't really care too much about my sister, but I'm sure the other girls that bird kidnapped might wanna blow me later on for saving them. Sweet! I'll do it!"

"Alas," said King, "The retards who built me installed a speech option, but didn't add a sail. Do you think you can get it for me on the nearby island of Windfall?"

"Here we go again," said Link, "Asking me to fix someone else's mistake."

"Thank you so much," said King of Red Lions, "You're such a dear. Now, all you have to do is swim a couple of feet. Windfall is right over there."

"I'm not swimming in this water," said Link, "It's browner than the shit that comes outta your momma's ass!"

The King sighed and slowly paddled his way towards the shore.

"Now," said the King, "Get the sail, as well as a couple of issues of _JUGS Monthly_. You can get whatever you want for yourself, but don't dawdle. We're kinda on a mission here!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Link, "By the way, can I call you KORL?"

"KORL?"

"Yeah, it's like an acronym of your name!"

"I prefer to be called by my proper name."

"How 'bout I call you Bubba?"

"Alright, call me KORL..."

Link got out of the boat and ran onto the shore of Windfall. He ran through the large fields and looked around.

"Let's see," muttered Link, "This is the busiest, most populated island on the Great Sea, but it only has a population of like, 30. Shit, we suck."

Link wandered through the town for several minutes until he decided to stop at a store and ask for where to find a sail.

"Hello," said the owner in a slow, monotone voice, "Welcome to my game shop. I'm Salvatore...How may I help you?"

"I'm looking for a sail," said Link, "Do you know where I could buy (Or possibly steal) one?"

"I'm sorry," said Sal, "You can't buy that sail. It's part of my game set-up."

"Yes," said Link, "I can see that. But where can I buy a sail?"

"Not here," replied Sal.

Link slapped his head.

"Would you be interested in playing my squid-hunting mini-game? It's only 10 rupees, and you get to hear me make strange noises with my mouth like 'Sploooooosh!' and 'Ka-Boom'!"

"I'd rather not," said Link, "I'm gonna get going now..."

Link slowly walked out the door.

"Fucking creepy..." he muttered as he made his way outside.

Link entered the nearby café to get a drink, relax, and hopefully pick up a few chicks along the way...Oh, and find a sail of course.

"Hey, Buddy," said a man in a green shirt, "Never seen you here around here before."

Link rolled his eyes.

"What do you want, you pervert?" asked Link.

"Geez," said the man, "Calm down. My name's Anton and I just wanted to introduce you to Windfall, maybe show you around."

"Well, I got news for you, pedo, I don't need your help getting around. Your town is small enough to fit up my tiny ass. But it would be nice to know where I can purchase a sail."

"Why, the hooded man, Zunari is selling one, I believe. His stand is right downstairs.

"Perfect," said Link.

Link looked around the café. There were drunk sailors from all over hanging out and talking. Gossack, the cowardly waiter, was running around serving people. There was a small jukebox in the corner playing dumb sappy music.

"Man," said Anton, "I can't stand this song. It's been playing in a loop for like, an hour now!"

"So, change it," said Link.

"It's broken," said Anton.

"My ass," said Link, "Let's see what I can do!"

Link walked up to the jukebox and punched it with his fist and it began to play some death metal.

"Eeeeeeeeehhhhh..." said Link, giving a thumbs up.

"No offense, buddy," began Anton, "But that _Fonzie _impersonation sucked worse than your mother last night! ZING!"

"Maybe," began Link, "The reason she sucked so much is because she's dead...Fucking necropheliac."

"Oh! I didn't know...I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Yeah, well...I'm sorry you're a prick, but what am I gonna do about it?"

"Alright," said Anton, putting his drink down, "Listen, I'm getting fed up of your attitude, kid. You better shut your mouth, or you'll make me very mad."

"Ooooh," said Link, "Look! The little fucker is getting angry! Everyone run for your lives."

"I mean it!"

"Alright, then! Bring it on, pussy!"

Anton charged at Link. Link grabbed a beer bottle off a nearby table and smashed it against the table. He quickly slashed the broken end of the bottle across Anton's face, sending blood splattering all over the walls. Anton clutched his bleeding face and walked off. Other café patrons stood up and angrily made their way towards Link.

"So, you all wanna piece of me?" said Link.

Loot suddenly came at Link from the side. Link plunged the jagged end of the beer bottle into his face, killing him. Gummy charged right afterwards. Link picked up a chair and smashed it into his face. Another two sailors came and Link ducked to avoid being tackled. Instead, the two idiots crashed into a wall. Link popped up from behind them and grabbed each of their heads and slammed them into the wall, breaking their skulls open.

"Gotcha!" said Candy, as he suddenly grabbed Link's arm.

"No," said Link, "Got _you!_"

Link the twisted his arm around and slammed his fist into it, snapping it right off. As two more sailors came, Link grabbed two plates off of a nearby table and hurled them like frisbees at them, decapitating the sailors. Gossack, the cowardly waiter, suddenly popped up from behind a table and charged at Link with a knife, but Link merely stepped aside and tripped him, causing him to fall to the floor and accidentally impale himself with his own knife.

"Well," said Link, "That was fun, but I must be going..."

Suddenly, the bar maid, Gillian ran from behind the counter and slowly approached Link with a knife.

"You know I don't hit girls..." said Link, "So I'll cut you instead!"

Link then pulled his sword and plunged it into her head.

"FUCK YOU!" snapped Anton, still clutching his bloody face, "If I could see you, then I'd kill you, motherfucker!"

Link then chopped his head off. Once he was done, Link searched through the bloody mess and dug into the corpses' wallets, taking out all of their money.

"That should be enough for a sail," muttered Link before heading downstairs to Zunari's shop.

"Welcome to my shop!" announced Zunari, the shopkeeper, "I'm afraid I don't have much to sell at this moment..."

"Don't worry," said Link, "All I want is something that I can travel with."

"Then you'll want my sail! It's what I used to get here, but I no longer need it! How does 80 rupees sound?"

"Well, I was gonna use this money for hookers, but seeing how half the people on this island are old hags...It's a deal!"

"My dear boy, thank you! You have made me happy! Now, I can finally open up my decorations shop!"

"Yeah yeah," said Link, "Make with the sail already."

Zunari handed Link a folded up sail, which Link somehow fit into his pocket.

"Here," said Link, "Keep the change."

Link left Windfall and returned to the King of Red Lions.

"Took you long enough," said KORL, "Why are you covered in blood?"

"It's not blood," said Link, "They were having one of those Spanish tomato fights over here and..."

KORL simply glared at Link.

"Alright alright," said Link, "I got into a bar brawl and killed a bunch of people. Does it really matter?"

"No, but try to watch yourself...We don't want to attract any attention. I'm already on probation for exposing myself at a football game!"

Link laughed.

"Whatever," said KORL, "Just get on. Next stop: Dragon Roost!"


	4. Mayhem at Dragon Roost

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 4:**

After sailing for a few hours, Link found himself at the shore of a large island with a tall mountain sticking out of the centre.

"This better be it!" said Link, "The people on the last five islands we stopped at weren't too friendly!"

"Maybe," began KORL, "If you didn't drink all that vodka on the way here, you'd know where we were going and not stop at the wrong island! And the reason the inhabitants were angry is because you kept urinating all over their land."

"What do you want?" said Link, pulling out a bottle and chugging it down, "I'm depressed. My sister's gone and I couldn't save her!"

"I thought you hated your sister! In fact, during one of your drunken tirades, you kept saying how you were gonna maim and torture Aryll once you saved her, and then feed her remains to her pet gerbil!"

"Alright," said Link, "Enough! What I said while I was drunk has nothing to do with anything. Now, just let me find the goddamn pearl thingie on _Penis Island_ over here!"

"Wait," said KORL, while holding a small white baton in his mouth, "You'll need this! It's a windwaker!"

"More useless gadgets?" said Link, "My pockets are on the verge of exploding!"

"This one's not useless, I promise you. With it, you can control the wind and get around faster! Just conduct the secret song."

"And what might that be?"

"Beats the hell outta me. Just swish that thing around randomly until you find it."

"Well, in that case, it's faster to just travel the old fashion way."

"True...But the windwaker still looks pretty cool, though."

"No it doesn't! it reminds me of a dick with two balls at the end!"

The King of Red Lions simply stared at Link.

"Go find the pearl," he said.

With that, Link ran onto the shore and began to run up the side of the mountain. When he got to the entrance of the mail centre, he ran into Quill, the transvestite postman.

"Oh...my...goodness!" said Quill, "Link! What a pleasant surprise! I'm so glad you're okay! Come here you little, handsome man!"

Quill then grabbed Link and began to kiss his face repeatedly.

"Ew!" said Link, "Get the fuck off me, perv! Listen, I was tossed out of the Forsaken Fortress while trying to save Aryll, and I met a talking a boat and he took me here and gave me this white dick-shaped baton and told me to find some orange pearl-thingie. Can you help me here or what?"

"Oh, Linkie,"said Quill, "You're so cute when you make up your little stories. I'm terribly sorry about your sister, though. Hey, you should come see the chieftain! He might be able to help."

Link shrugged and followed Quill into the mail centre. There, he met the chief, who was surrounded by a bunch of bodyguards.

"So," began the chieftain, "You're Link?"

"No," replied Link, "I'm a happy little elf from the North Pole."

"Ah! Excellent! Santa Claus placed an order for reindeer chow and we still need to deliver it to him..."

"Um, guys," said Quill, "Shouldn't we be discussing the big issue here?"

"We are," said the chieftain, "We have all those bags of reindeer chow back there, stinking up the place. It's about time someone came to remind us to deliver it."

"He's not an elf! He's Link and he's trying to save his sister!"

"Oh," said the chieftain, "Link, so glad to meet you. As my drag queen friend pointed out, we have been experiencing some problems. The Spirit of the Skies, the Great Valoo, has been extremely aggressive recetly and no one can approach him. This is bad because whenever one of our inhabitants come of age, he or she must climb to the top of the mountain and fuck Valoo to prove that he/she is ready to receive a pair of wings."

"_Fuck _Valoo?" said Link, "You mean you people have to go have sex with a giant red dragon? Just to get a pair of wings? I thought dressing up in green tights was twisted, but this..."

"Oh," said Quill, "It's the most wonderful experience ever! I mean, it feels weird at first, but once you squirm it around a bit for a while, it's pure bliss!"

"Hey!" snapped the chieftain, "Shut the fuck up and keep your homo-erotic comments to yourself, or I'll banish your feminine ass from this island! If you weren't my step-brother-in-law's grand-nephew, I would have had you executed like the rest of them!"

"Geez!" said Quill, "Sounds like someone had himself a cup of _mean _tea! If anybody needs me, I'll be in my room, crying!"

Quill ran off. Link stared at the chieftain.

"Sorry about that," said the chieftain, "You see, I'm quite jealous, because my first time with Valoo didn't go pretty well. Actually it went pretty bad..."

"Alright," said Link, "Just don't go into details."

"Listen," said the chieftain, "My son is of age, and it's his turn to fuck the great valoo and receive his scale. But because Valoo is too violent, my son cannot get his scale, and has become a creepy, emo recluse and won't come out of his bedroom."

"He wouldn't happen to have a giant pearl to comfort him, would he?" asked Link.

"What?"

"Nevermind."

"I need you to to head upstairs and speak to a girl named Medli. She has a letter from me that I want to give to my son."

"Why don't you just talk to your son yourself? He has a better chance of letting you in than me!"

"It's not that. You see, my ex-wife kinda won't let me see him anymore...or talk to him. Long story."

"I see," said Link, "Well, I'll get your letter then...Only because, I'm interested in meeting this 'Medli'. She sounds hot."

Link quickly ran upstairs and walked into the main room.

"Let me see," said the girl standing at the entrance, "Green shirt, white pants, and a small green hat? You must be Link!"

"Let me see," said Link, "A dumb face, a beak, and greasy brown hair tied up into a ghastly braid? You must be a retard!"

"Ha, ha," said Medli, "Here, I need you to take this to Komali." She handed Link a letter. "I worry so much about him, you know. I mean, with his parents always at custody hearings, or in jail for attempting to kill each other, I'm the one who really has to look out for him."

"Yes," said Link, sounding bored, "Interesting..."

"If only my grandma was still alive, she would be able to stop this. She was the only one who could speak the ancient language and communicate with Valoo. I can speak a bit of it, but..."

"Well, guess what? The whore is dead and so is your little language, so what are you gonna do? Now, if you don't mind I'm just gonna deliver this letter and be on my way."

"Wait," said Medli, "I need you to do one big task for me!"

Link found himself in what appeared to be an outdoor area that was completely surrounded by giant rock walls. There was a deep ditch in which a broken bridge and a large boulder lay. There was a massive sandstorm that completely devastated the area. Link had to shield his eyes from the many floating sand particles. Everytime the Great Valoo roared, more dust went flying.

"Can someone please tell that dragon to shut the hell up?" said Link.

"Can't you see he's in pain, Link?" snapped Medli, "Now, I need your help to get across to Dragon Roost Cavern! That's where the path to Valoo is!"

"Where the hell is this?" asked Link, "I haven't been to a place this strange since I took some of Orca's 'secret stash'!"

"This is Dragon Roost Spring," replied Medli, "Or, at least it used to be!"

"This is a spring?" said Link, "Please! There's more water in my toilet bowl!"

"That's the thing! In a fit of rage, the Great Valoo shook this place up, knocking down a boulder that destroyed that bridge over there and proceeded to roll over there and plug up the spring's source of water!"

"Wow, either that's one hell of a coincidence, or that boulder is magic!"

"Can you help me get across?'

"Only if you give me head!"

"What?"

"Nevermind. Your beak would probably be too painful. Now, how do I do this?"

"Put your hands on my ass and lift me over your head!"

"If I had a nickel for everytime I heard that..."

Link went up to Medli and hoisted her up.

"Damn," said Link, "You're heavy! What have you got in there?"

"Supplies," said Medli, "Food, water, a map, my gun...Oh! And a grappling hook!"

"Why would you people need to use grappling hook? You can fly!"

"Who said the grappling hook is for climbing?"

Link put on a weird face before aligning her with the other side of the fallen bridge. With one thrust of his arms, he threw her over to the other side. Medli attempted to flap her wings and fly, but the force of the wind pushed her down to the floor. She landed headfirst, and there was a loud "CRACK!"

"Geez," said Link, dropping down into the dried up spring below, "That sounded painful...Are you okay?"

"I'm fine..." replied Medli, wiping blood off of her head, "I think. We were a bit too far. We need to get closer."

Link lifted Medli again and approached the other side.

"Link," began Medli, "I think this is too close..."

Link ignored her and threw hew with all his might. She smashed straight into the wall and fell to the floor.

"I'm sorry," said Medli, coughing up blood, "We're gonna need to try again..."

"Medli," said Link, "I'm over here!"

Medli staggered to where Link was and got into position. Link lifted her up again.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" asked Link, "I mean you don't look too hot!"

"Throw me!" ordered Medli.

Link tossed her with all his might, and this time, she glided right to the other side.

"Thank you so much, Link," said Medli, "If anything happens to me, please take care of Prince Komali!"

"Like I'm gonna take care of that stupid brat!" muttered Link.

"I'll try not to take too long, so don't worry about me, okay? Just be on your way and get what you need!"

"What about my reward?"

"Reward?"

"Yeah, for getting to the other side?"

"Um," Medli dug into her pockets, "How about a bottle?"

She tossed Link a small bottle. It was empty.

"Good luck," said Medli, before running off.

"Yeah," said Link, "Good luck...Whore. What the fuck am I gonna do with an empty bottle?"

Suddenly, Link's head was filled with dirty thoughts.

* * *

Link returned downstairs, letter in hand, and made his way to Komali's bedroom. He knocked on the door.

"Come in," said Komali.

Link entered. The room was fairly neat, except for a few clothes scattered around. Komali was lying on the bed. On his stomach was what appeared a large orange pearl.

"Oy, _Pointdexter_!" called Link, "Get up! I have something for you!"

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Komali.

"I'm a gay little fairy from Nana-land and I'm here to deliver you this letter from your deadbeat father!"

"What does he want?" asked Komali as he grabbed the letter from Link.

"Let's see," muttered Komali, "_Be brave son...Everything will be alright..._Then the rest is his shopping list. What's this stain at the bottom?"

"My bad," said Link.

"Well," said Komali, "It's easy for my dad to tell me to brave and shit. He already got his fucking wings! I need those things to become a man!"

"You think growing wings will make you a man?" said Link, "Please! Wait until your balls drop, then you're really gonna feel like an adult!"

"Who the fuck asked you anyways?" said Komali, "You're not even a Rito. You don't have to do with any of this! Just get the fuck outta here and leave me alone!"

"Actually," said Link, "I kinda need that orange ball you're holding...Personal business."

"Oh, no!" said Komali, "I would never part with my _Din's Pearl_! Whenever I hold it, it comforts me. It makes me forget all my troubles!"

"Well, I need it. Here, I'll trade you this bottle I got from Medli." Link held out his bottle.

"What's that white stuff in it?" asked Komali.

"My cu...Um, I mean milk."

"No thanks," said Komali, "I'm not thirsty. I just want to be left alone!"

"Listen, _Milhouse,_ I travelled across the entire fucking Great Sea for that pearl and you better fucking give it to me now, or you're gonna piss me off!"

"I'm so scared," said Komali, sarcastically.

"That's it!" Link then pulled out a handgun and pointed it at Komali's face. "GIVE ME THE PEARL! GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEARL!"

"Wha..." began Komali, "I...I..."

"I said," continued Link, "GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEAR OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF YOU LITTLE TWAT!"

"But...but..."

"I'm gonna give you to the count of three! 1...2...3..."

"Alright! Alright!" screamed Komali, "Here take the pearl! WAAAAAHHHH!"

Komali ran, crying, out of his room.

"Time to go," said Link.

Link grabbed the pearl and ran out of the Komali's room. He searched the mail centre for a while for the exit and eventually found it. He ran as fast as he could towards KORL.

"Start the boat!" shouted Link, "Start the boat!"

"I can't!" yelled KORL, "You have the sail, remember?"

"FACK!"

Link jumped into the King of Red Lions and put up the sail. Withing seconds, the boat began moving away from Dragon Roost, and the duo were sailing the high seas once again.

"Link," began KORL, "What the fuck did you do?"

"I got the pearl," replied Link.

"Yeah, but...What's with all the drama? Did you kill someone again?"

"No, I just...I'm just eager to save my sister is all!"

"But..."

"Just shut up and drive!"

The two then sailed off into the distance. Next stop: The Forest Haven!

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the Dragon Roost Cavern, Medli found herself being tackled to the floor and raped simultaneously by two Bokoblins.

"This is sweet," said one Bokoblin, "Ain't too many ladies come by here!"

"You said it, bro!" said the other Bokoblin.

They began to rape Medli.

"LIIIIIIIINK! HEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEE!"


	5. Link Rescues a Stupid Green Retard

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 5:**

Link finally arrived at the Forest Haven, which was a lovely forest-like habitat located at the south of the Great Sea.

"Finally," said Link, "Hopefully this place has hookers. I have been deprived of sexual contact for like, two hours! That is very bad, very bad!"

"Whatever," said KORL, "Just focus on finding the pearl!"

Link got out of the boat and walked up the island into the cave where the Great Deku Tree dwelled. He supposedly held _Farore's Peal_, the second pearl Link needed to find to complete his quest. As Link entered the woods, he saw a massive tree in the centre, covered with chu-chus.

"Oh, God!" said Link, "He looks like the sturgeon what with all those warts on his face!"

As Link approached the tree, the 'warts' jumped down and attacked him.

"Piece of cake," said Link, who then killed them all.

"Garble Drooble, Hukie Freddie?" said the Deku Tree.

Link just stared at him.

"Jubie Harrie, Kiop Reta?"

"Hey _Treebeard_! Could you speak fucking English, please?"

"I'm sorry," said the Deku Tree, "When I saw your clothes, I felt a longing for the ancient tongue."

"Yeah," said Link, "It's been known to happen."

"Koroks!" called out the Deku Tree, "Koroks, children of the forest! Do not be afraid! Link here will not hurt you! He is a friend!"

At that moment, a bunch of tiny, plant-like creatures emerged and gathered around Link.

"Link," said the Deku Tree, "These are my children, the Koroks."

"You have children?" asked Link, "Man, I would have been scared to be your wife, having to fuck you!"

"It wasn't as bad as you think," said the Tree, "Now what may I do you for?"

"Well," began Link, "First and foremost: Do you guys have decent-looking hookers around here...Or do they too resemble mutated heads of lettuce?"

The Koroks just stared at Link.

"I'll take that as a 'no'." said Link, "Well, whatever. Do you guys happen to have a big, fat, green pearl with you or something?'

"You mean Farore's pearl?" said the Deku tree, "Of course. I shall give it you once we complete our little celebration. We basically just dance and sing and plant seeds all over the place. It's pretty fucking gay as you can see."

"Hey," said Link, "I'm not arguing."

Just as the Koroks were about to begin their celebration, a small Korok came flying in from the open ceiling of the Forest Haven.

"Oh, Great Deku Tree!" said the little Korok, "Help! Something terrible has happened!"

"What is it?" asked the tree.

"That pompous asshole, Makar flew to close to Forbidden Woods and fell in! He's in grave danger!"

"Link," said the tree, "Are you hearing this?"

"Nope," said Link, picking out a booger.

"Makar's in danger!"

"And I bet you want me to go rescue him?"

"Well, we kinda need him to start our celebration."

"How about..." Link then pulled out his hangun, "GIVE ME THE PEARL! GIVE ME THE FUCKING PEARL!"

The Deku Tree suddenly whacked the gun out of Link's hands with one of his branches.

"Alright," said Link, "I'll go rescue Makar!"

"You'll need this!" said the tree, who then suddenly sprouted a small leaf that fell towards where Link was standing.

"What the fuck?"

"It's a deku leaf. It will allow you to glide across great distances."

"Like over your momma's fat ass?"

"Yes, like...HEY!"

Link chuckled.

"I'll be back soom," said Link, "But I'm not making any promises. If he dies, it's entirely your fault and not mine!"

"Just go!" ordered the Tree.

--

After climbing to the highest point of the Forest Haven, Link used his Deku Leaf to flutter over to the large island where the Forbidden Woods was located. Link landed on a high up platform and entered through a small hole in the wall.

"Well," said Link, "I guess this place is kinda pretty."

Just then, a bunch of chu-chus came from nowhere and attacked him.

"AH!" shouted Link, "Oh God! Get these fuckers off of me!"

Link pulled out his sword and cut them all up. There was one left, however.

"Alright," said Link, "Taste my fist!"

Lik then punched the chu-chu. However, it immediately popped back up.

"Damn it!" said Link, "HIYA!"

Link punched it again...and again...and again., but it kept coming back up.

"How dare you mock me with yout stupid fucking grin!" yelled Link, "I'm gonna turn you into _Jello_, you piece of green caca!"

Link then punched the chu-chu extremely hard. It just came back up.

"Aw, fuck this shit!"

Link then picked up a nearby bomb flower and shoved it inside the chu-chu's jelly-like body. Link ran and hit the deck as the creature exploded, sending pieces of green goo everywhere.

"Shit," said Link, "I'm covered in more goo than Zill when he catches a cold!"

Link then proceeded to the end of the room, where a small chest lay.

"Cool," said Link didn't notice that..."

Link opened the chest. There was a lot of tension in the air as Link wondered what the prize inside was...

"What the?"

It was a small yellow boomerang.

"Sweet!"

Link then tossed the boomerang. It suddenly arched upwards and flew right back towards Link's head, kocking him out.

"Owwwww," muttered Link.

--

Not even five minutes in that dungeon, Link took a wrong turn and found himself tumbling down a large hole into oblivion. He eventually landed on a giant flower, which thankfully broke his fall.

"Ouch!" said Link, as he stood up. Suddenly, he was surrounded by two Moblins.

"Grrrr..." said one of them, "Who dares enter the chamber of Kalle Demos?"

"What?" said Link, "Caca Demon?"

"No," said the other Moblin, "Kalle Demos, King of the Boko Baba."

"Sorry," said Link, "I don't speak idiot!"

"I don't know how you got here," said the first Moblin, "But now, I'm gonna kill you!"

"Not before I kill your mother first!" said Link.

"What?" said the Moblin.

Link then pulled out his sword and plunged it into the creature's neck, spilling blood everywhere. The other Moblin pulled out his spear and charged towards Link. Link jumped over the Moblin, slicing the top of his head open in the process.

"Okay then," said Link, "Time to go see this _Khaki Devo_ or whoever he is. Maybe he knows where I can find Makar."

Link opened the door and walked into the room. It was large and circular, and the ground was covered with little weeds. In the centre, there was a little Korok jumping up and down like a retard.

"Yo," said Link, "Are you Makar by any chance?"

"Yes!" shouted the little Korok, "But you can't stay here! Get out! Get..."

Suddenly, a giant man-eating plant stuck its head out from the floor and gobbled up the little guy.

"What the?" shouted Link.

The plant creature howled as a bunch of petals closed up around its head, turning it into a giant bulb. A bunch of vines came out of the plant and attached themselves to the ceiling.

"Aw, fuck!" yelled Link, "That fucking garden weed ate the little bastard! I was supposed to save you! Wait! If I act quickly, I may be able to save Makar before he dissolves in Kalle's stomach juices! Makar, you'd better be alive you little piece of shit! I need that fucking pearl!"

The creature then slammed down one of its vines, and Link barely dodged it. Kalle Demos slammed another vine down, and this time, Link tried to chop it off with his sword, to no avail.

"It's useless," said Link, "There's no hope of saving Makar...Or myself for that matter!"

Link dodged several more vines before running into a green chu-chu.

"The fuck are you doing here?" asked Link, "Have you returned to mock me some more with your wide, staring eyes, or your retarded grin?"

The chu-chu just stared.

"Shut up!" said Link, "I don't need your help or your pity! You're ugly!"

The chu-chu just stared.

"That's it," said Link, "I'm gonna whack you into oblivion!"

He then pulled out his boomerang and waved it in front of the green chu-chu.

"Wait a minute!" said Link, "THAT'S IT! I can chop of the vines supporting this overgrown plant using my boomerang! Genius! I love you, Mr. chu-chu! Come here!"

Link then grabbed the chu-chu and began french-kissing it.

"Um," said Link, "Ew..."

The chu-chu then winked at Link. Suddenly, it got crushed by one of Kalle's vines.

"Ouch!" said Link, "Now, time to take out the trash!"

Link tossed his boomerang at the ceiling, chopping off some of Kalle's vines. Link successfully caught the boomerang as it returned to him and rolled to the other side before chopping off more vines. Link repeated this process several times until there was nothing left holding the giant plant up. The creature tumbled to the floor, and the bulb opened up, once again revealing the creature's hideous head.

"Give me Makar!" ordered Link as he ran towards the head.

Link swung his sword and instantly decapitated the monster. The giant flower that it rested on withered and died and the dismembered head exploded for no apparent reason. Suddenly, Makar climbed out from the dead flower.

"Yay!" chanted Makar, "I'm alive! And I owe it all to you Mr..."

"Link," replied Link, "James Link."

"James Link?"

"Nah," said Link, "Just call me Link!"

"Thank you so much...I owe you my life!"

"It's okay. Some money is all I need. Oh, and something to eat-I'm starved!"

"Oh my God! I forgot about the celebration! Hurry! We must get back!"

Makar stepped in the middle of the dead flower and was suddenly teleported out of the dungeon. Link stared in shock.

"Um," began Link, "Well, I guess I better give it a shot!"

Link stepped in the middle as well and was suddenly teleported out.

--

"WOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!" screamed Link as he tumbled towards the Forest Haven at light speed. He crash-landed straight into a Boko Baba bud, which proceeded to launch him into the Deku Tree's face.

"Oh," said the Deku Tree, "Hello Link. I presume you had a fun trip."

"No," replied Link, "But I got Makar for you."

Link then slid down the Deku tree's face and fell to the floor.

"I guess Link needs to get used to teleporting in and out of dungeons," laughed Makar.

"I guess you need to shut the fuck up!" snapped Link.

"Alright," said the Deku Tree, "Alright! Calm down everyone. It's time to start the festivities!"

Makar pulled out his violin and began playing. After playing a couple of notes, Makar suddenly threw it away and approached a set of turntables, which was pumping loud dance music. Link and the Koroks began to dance as the Forest Haven was filled with beams of light and smoke. At the end of the party, Link was lying drunk and half-naked on the floor.

"Man," said Link, "What a blast! We should totally do that again!"

"Yes, yes," said the Deku Tree, "I've never felt so alive! Thank you for pumping us up! Now, my children, brace yourselves for here come my seeds!"

The Deku Tree shook a bit, causing several large seeds to tumble from his branches. Each Korok except for Makar and Hollo grabbed one and flew off.

"My children will travel to various islands across the Great Sea," began the Tree, "And plant these seeds...SO I CAN BUILD AN ARMY OF DEKU TREES AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! Um, I mean and make the Sea a better place to live, heh heh..."

"And I will stay here and continue to play my violin," began Makar, "'Cause I have no life!"

"And I will go make drugs..." began Hollo, "I mean blue potion, in the back room over there. See ya!"

Hollo and Makar left. The Deku Tree shook its branches and a large pearl fell out.

"Sweet," said Link, "Thanks! Time to get out of this fucked-up, nauseating, bug-infested fairyworld jungle you fucktards call a home!"

"Link," continued the tree, "On your journey, please be..."

"Yada, yada!" said Link, "Shaddup, ya old piece of lumber! I got my pearl and I don't give a shit what you have to say anymore!"

Link then ran out as the Deku Tree began to cry.

"Took you long enough," said KORL.

"They had me rescue this chunk of green shit they call 'Makar'," replied Link, "From the Forbidden Woods."

"Oooooh," said KORL, "Scary..."

"Yeah, whatever. What's the next fucking stop?"

"Greatfish Isle..."


	6. Deathtraps and Fairy Loving Weirdos

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 6:**

Link and KORL sailed the high seas on their way to Greatfish Isle.

"Aaaaah," said KORL, "Can't you just smell that fresh...Um, Link did you just...?"

"It was your mom," accused Link.

KORL rolled his eyes. They soon found themselves at the shore of Greatfish Isle.

"What happened here?" demanded KORL.

"This place is an even bigger dump than Mesa's house!" said Link.

"We better investigate," said KORL.

"Wrong!" said Link, "I'm gonna investigate. You're just gonna sit here and wait for me, you legless hunk o' shit!"

"True..." said KORL.

After taking a few steps on the island, Link was greeted by Quill, the transvestite postman, who suddenly flew in.

"Well, if it isn't dear old Linky-Boy!" said Quill, "How are you, handsome?"

"Still haven't rescued my sister," said Link, "And I almost got killed by an overgrown weed, but other than that, I'm fine. You?"

"Pretty good," replied Quill, "We heard the Medli had climbed Dragon Roost Cavern by herself, so the Chieftain and I immediately went to go rescue her. We found her getting sexually assaulted by two Bokoblins!"

Link chuckled.

"Don't worry," assured Quill, "She's fine. We also managed to fix the Valoo issue. Apparently, he just had a bad case of gas."

"And Komali?" asked Link.

"He mentioned that someone harrassed him...But when he heard that Valoo was okay, he ran up to get his scale and that was pretty much the end if that."

"Excellent," said Link, in a menacing voice.

"So, you're probably wondering about what happened here, right?"

"I guess so."

"Well, the Evil Ganondorf has placed a curse on this land, turning it into a horrible, rain-drenched wasteland. And then he attacked this island in hopes of finding and destroying Jabun, so that you can't get the pearl."

"And you know all this because..." began Link.

"I'm psychic," joked Quill.

"Right," said Link, "Well, do you know where this _Baboon_ is now?"

"None other than the place where you were born."

"My mother's vagina?"

"What? NO! I meant the location where you were born!"

"My mother's house?"

"No, I mean the _island _you were born on!"

"Outset? How could a giant fish be living on my island? Surely I would have seen it!"

"It's been living in a giant cave in the side of the island. But you can't get in because it is sealed by a mighty stone slab and protected by a magic barrier put in place by the gods themselves...A few bombs should be enough to get inside."

"Perfect," said Link, "You hear that KORL? It's time to blow stuff up! WOOT!"

"Yes, well," began Quill, "I must be going, so good luck and goodbye!"

"Wait" said Link, "Where do I find bombs?"

It was too late. Quill was already out of sight.

"Damn you, you fucking fruit! Get back here and help me some more! FACK!"

Link ran up to KORL, who was taking a nap.

"Wake up, Lion Boy," ordered Link, "We need to find some explosives!"

"Hmmm," said KORL, "Well, we could go back to Windfall. Isn't there a bomb shop there?"

"We could...Even though I murdered all those bar patrons!"

"Excellent," said KORL, "To Windfall it is!"

* * *

The journey to Windfall was very miserable as the heavy rainfall persisted. When he hit the shore, Link got out of his boat and walked through the abandoned town. Tired of getting soaked, Link walked into the closest building to rest a while.

"What the fuck is this place?" asked Link, as he looked around. He appeared to be in a prison.

Link saw a small man wearing green tights locked up in a nearby cell. Upon seeing Link, he ran excitedly up to the bars.

"Oh my goodness!" he exclaimed, "It's a fairy boy!"

Link rolled his eyes.

"Who the fuck are you and what do you want from me?" asked Link.

"Simple. Can you please set me free? I was wrongfully imprisoned for a crime I did commit...Or was I rightfully imprisoned for a crime I didn't commit? I don't know. Anyways, can you set me free?"

"You're whacked," said Link, "I like you. How do I open this thing?"

"There's a button in the corner," replied the small man.

"No alarm, no guards, easy-to-find button that opens up cell...Hmmm, sounds like they want you to get out. Oh well."

Link stepped on the small button in the corner, opening the cell door. The man ran out and approached Link.

"Thank you, thank you!" said the man enthusiastically, "My name is Tingle! And you are..."

"Link," replied Link.

"I owe you my life, Mr. Link," began Tingle, "But since I don't have one, I'm gonna give you this."

Tingle handed Link a map. When Link opened it, he saw an image of the Great Sea with a crude crayon drawing of what looked like a small tower in Sector C-3.

"Ummm," said Link, "Thanks?"

"Now," began Tingle, "You'll always know where to find Tingle! Isn't that fun?"

"Why would I wanna hang out with you? For all I know, you could be some crazy pedophile or something. I mean, look at what you're wearing! You look like a shopping mall Santa's little elf."

"Yes, but did I tell you? I'm a cartographer...If you ever have trouble with maps, at least you'll know where to find me."

Tingle then walked out.

"Glad he's gone," said Link.

Tingle suddenly opened the door and walked back in.

"Remeber, if you ever need help with a map..." he began.

"Yeah, yeah," said Link, "I know, I know!"

Tingle walked out. A few seconds later, he was back.

"If you ever have trouble..."

"Would you get the fuck outta here!" snapped Link.

Tingle ran out. Link then approached the door to leave as well. Suddenly, Tingle was back.

"I forgot my shoes..." said Tingle. Link sighed.

* * *

Link's first instinct was to head to the bomb shop, however, when he saw the pirate ship parked at the shoreline not too far from the bomb shop, Link knew there was trouble a-brewing. The front door was locked, so Link needed to find another way in. He ran to the back and crawled into a small hole that took him upstairs.

From the balcony, Link watched as the pirates raided the store and walked out with barrels full of bombs. Mako held back the arms of Cannon, the bomb store owner, while Gonzo punched him repeatedly in the stomach.

"Listen," said Gonzo, delivering another blow, "We're not bad people, we just don't wanna pay 50 000 rupees for a couple of bombs. You understand, right?"

"Fuck you!" snapped Cannon, spitting blood in Gonzo's face.

"Gonzo," said Mako, "I'm still impressed by the little bit of fast-talking you did to convince that postman to tell us where that giant fish creature fled."

"Yup," said Gonzo, "It was pretty cool, huh? I used my ultra-sexy powers of seduction to woo that little baby over and she spilled the beans!"

"Um," said Mako, "That postman is a man!"

"No, Mako!" said Gonzo, "It was clearly a woman! Couldn't you tell?"

"It was a man dressed like a woman, Gonzo! He's a transsexual!"

A horrified look suddenly came onto Gonzo's face.

"Don't tell me you..." began Mako, "Oh, God!"

"I need a minute," said Gonzo. He looked like he was going to puke.

"Could you two stop dawdling and get a move on?" ordered Tetra, "There is work to be done!"

"Sorry Miss Tetra," said Mako, "Come on, lover boy, give me a hand with that box!"

"Sure," said Gonzo.

"And when we're done here," continued Tetra, "We're going straight to Outset!"

"WHAT?" said Gonzo, "We've been travelling for months!"

"Make that 5 days," said Tetra, "We have to make it to Outset before the island gets destroyed like Greatfish! Oh! And I don't wanna miss the one day piece of heart sale at Beedle's!"

All of a sudden, a small lugey flew past Tetra's face.

"What the fuck was that?" asked Tetra.

Another lugey flew in and hit Gonzo in the face.

"HEY!" snapped Gonzo, "Who did that?"

"Yes!" said Link, from the blacony high up, "Gotcha, motherfucker!"

Tetra looked up and saw Link.

"Fuck!" said Link, and he backed out of view.

Tetra, however, spotted him and winked.

"Alright, boys," said Tetra, "Listen up! We're gonna spend the night here, have a nice dinner, get drunk, whatever! In the morning, we take off!"

"But I thought you said..." began Gonzo.

Mako then punched Gonzo in the balls.

"Don't push our luck, pal," snapped Mako.

"Okay," said Gonzo, holding his aching privates.

"Now," said Tetra, "Let's get outta here!"

"YAHOO!"

The pirates picked up the remaining barrels and walked out of the shop. Link dropped down into the main room and looked around.

"Help me," squeeked Cannon, who was lying injured on the ground.

"Ew," said Link, kicking Cannon and knocking him unconscious.

Link explored the back room, but discovered that all the bombs were gone.

"Shit," said Link, "Now where am I gonna get my bombs?"

Link thought for a while.

"That's it!" yelled Link, "I gotta check out their ship!"

Link ran outside in the pouring rain and headed towards the ship. He quickly approached the door to head below decks. However, the door was locked.

"Password, please," said Niko.

"Aw, fuck," said Link, "Plankton?"

"WRONG!" yelled Niko, "What's the password?"

"Your mother," said Link.

"I need the right password or you're not getting in, whoever you are!"

"Fuck this shit!" said Link.

Link then kicked open the door. Niko, who was standing behind the door, got knocked back and tumbled down the stairs behind him. Link entered and looked around.

"Sweet!" said Link, "Tetra's bedroom! And there's no one guarding it!"

Link immediately ran inside and opened the dresser drawer. He dug inside and pulled out a pair of Tetra's underwear. However, instead of a sexy, little thong, Link held a large pair of grey briefs.

"The fuck?" said Link, "Oh, well. It's still chick's undwear!"

Link bunched the underwear up into a ball and began sniffing it.

"What are you doing?" asked Niko, as he walked into the room.

"Sniffing Tetra's underwear," replied Link.

"That's mine," said Niko, "It must have gotten mixed up with Tetra's laundry."

Link just stared at the underwear before tossing it at Niko's face.

"Anyways," said Link, "I need some bombs. I believe you have some."

"Sure," said Niko, "Because I like you so much, I'll give you some. Just follow me!"

Niko lead Link downstairs. Along the way, he grabbed Link's ass.

"Touch me innapropriately again, prick," began Link, "And I'll kick your balls so hard, they're gonna go flying out of your ass!"

"'Kay," said Niko, "Sorry, dude!"

Niko lead Link below decks. There were two platforms at opposite ends of the room with a large gap in the middle and several lanterns were hanging from the ceiling.

"The bombs are right there," began Niko, "On the other side!"

"So I can go get them?" asked Link.

"Yes," replied Niko, "Assuming you survive my DEATH TRAP! MUAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Your what?"

"My deathtrap! A pit of ferocious lions, a raging 10-foot tall fire, spike pits, and of course, a tank filled with man-eating piranhas! The only way to get to the other side is by swinging on those lanterns!"

"You set up a death trap in the ship's cargo area?" asked Link, "The fuck is wrong with you?"

"Hey!" snapped Niko, "I'm bored! Those fucking pirates left me alone to guard the ship while they go out and party at the café, what else am I supposed to do? Read? That's what pussies do!"

"Right," said Link, "Well, if you don't mind, it's time for me to get those bombs!"

Link leapt off the edge and grabbed the nearest lantern. From there, he swung to the next, and in just a few seconds, he made it to the other side.

"WHA?" said Niko, "That can't be! It took me over a year to perfect my swinging ablility!"

"Maybe you suck," said Link.

"What are you talking about?" said Niko, "I'm the best swinger around! I'm like a monkey!"

"Prove it," taunted Link, "Show me what you've got!"

"Okay," said Niko, nervously.

Niko ran with all his might towards the edge and jumped off. However, he missed the first lantern and plunged straight into the piranha tank.

"AAAAHHHH!" screamed the swabbie, "HELP! HE..."

Within seconds, the water in the tank turned red.

"Oh well," said Link, "I'd best be heading off now. Bye, and thanks for all the bombs!"

Link swung his way back and left the pirate ship with a brand new bag full of bombs. He made his way to where KORL was parked.

"Let's go, Red," said Link, "I got what I came for."

"A little faster next time," said KORL, "I'm soaking wet from all this rain!"

"You're always soaking wet," said Link, "You're a fucking boat! Now, let's move our assess and get back to Outset!"


	7. Return to Outset

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 7:**

Link sailed for another five miserable days across the miserable Great Sea in the still-miserable weather. When he arrived, Link quickly got out of the boat.

"Now," said KORL, "I'm going to allow you to meet with some of your friends and family before we travel to the backside of the island and bomb the hell outta the stone slab, but you have to hurry, understand?"

"Yeah, yeah," said Link, "Relax, I just wanna say hi to my damn grandma!"

"See ya later!" said KORL.

As Link walked around the island, he was suddenly attacked by several chu-chus.

"Oh no!" shouted Link, "Not these pricks again!"

Link pulled out his sword and tried to chop them up, but he was overwhelmed.

"Fuck!" said Link, "Heeeeelp! It's an invasion!"

Link then felt something weird on his body.

"Could it be?" said Link.

A small green chu-chu began to rub up against Link.

"Oh God!" said Link, "It's that damn chu-chu from the Forsaken Forest! It somehow survived and followed me here!"

The chu-chu then stared at Link with its wide eyes.

"Ew!" said Link, "Get the fuck away from me!"

Link then pushed past the chu-chus and began to run. They chased him down angrily.

"AAAHHH!" screamed Link, "HELP!"

Link ran up to Orca's door and pounded on it continuously. However, no one was answering.

"Damn you, Orca!"

"Link," called a voice, "Up here!"

It was Sue-Belle from upstairs. Link abandonned Orca's door just as the chu-chus had caught up with him and headed up the ladder. As soon as he left, Orca opened the door.

"What's all the commotion out here?" demanded Orca.

Just then, all the chu-chus that had been chasing link swarmed around Orca and rushed him into his house.

"AAAAAHHH" screamed Orca, "WHAT IS THIS? Hey, this one's frisky!"

"Thanks," said Link, entering the Sturgeon's house, "I owe you."

"Don't mention it," said Sue-Belle.

"It's so nice to see you again, Link!" said Sturgeon, "You've been gone for so long and we miss you...But I'm still gonna kill you!"

"Shaddup, you old fart," said Link, "Now, how is everybody? What's been going on?"

"Well," began Sue-Belle, "This terrible storm began and never went away, and for some reason, this whole island is infected with evil, menacing creatures and it's not safe to go out anymore!"

"And I'm gonna cut you up and then rape your grandmother!" added Sturgeon.

"Grandpa," said Sue-Belle, "Take your medication and go to bed!"

"Awww," said Sturgeon, "I was just kidding."

"That reminds me," said Link, "How is my grandma?"

"Terrible," replied Sue-Belle, "She's fallen extremely ill, and is getting weaker everyday. It's tough for her to be alone all the time."

"This is bad," said Link, "And it's all my fault...Though that disease-ridden Zill probably had a role to play in this...But it's still mostly my fault, dammit! I have to find a way to cure her! Do you know how?"

"I don't know..." said Sue-Belle, sadly.

"You go and find a fairy, you little pansy!" snapped Sturgeon.

"A fairy?"

"Yeah from the fairy forest up that mountain! No one's been up there for years, but if not mistaken, there's a fairy fountain where you can get as many fairies as you need!"

"Great!" said Link, "I'll be back! See ya!"

Link ran out the front door and climbed down the ladder. As he passed by Orca's house, Link looked inside and saw the old man sitting in the middle of the room, smoking up with a bunch of chu-chus.

"Hey, Link!" said Orca.

Link rolled his eyes and continued to make his way to the hill.

* * *

Getting to the forest of fairies was no easy task, as the bridge had been destroyed by the awful storm and Link had to float his way across using his deku leaf. Also, the forest had become infested with morths.

"Ewwwww!" yelled Link, shaking some morths off his body, "Oh God! Why does this messed-up shit always have to happen to me?"

Link made his way through the wet and muddy forest, smacking around morths and chopping down branches. He even had to fight off a couple of mothulas, but no one wants to hear about that boring event...

"Whew," said Link, "That was one epic battle! This one's going down in the history books! Now, where is that damn fairy fountain?"

Link turned around and saw a huge boulder. In front of it was a sign that read _"Fairy Fountain_".

"Hmmm," said Link, "That doesn't make sense. How could that be the fairy fountain if there's a huge boulder...Unless, the boulder is clogging up the fountain! Of course! Link, you are a genius!"

Link then ran up to the boulder and placed a bomb next to it. He then ran and hid.

"Um," said Link, after a while, "Isn't that thing supposed to blow up?"

Link just stared at the bomb. He realized he forgot to light the fuse.

"How the hell do am I supposed to light it if it's raining?" asked Link, "Aw, fuck this shit! Link picked up a small rock and hurled it at the dormant bomb. Suddenly, there was a huge explosion and Link was sent flying back. He hit a tree and passed out.

* * *

"Where am I?" asked Link as he awoke.

"Welcome, Link," said a voice, "To the Fairy Fountain."

"Huh?" said Link, "Who the fuck are you?"

"I am the Great Fairy," replied a tall, four-armed woman standing in front of Link. Link looked around and saw he was in some kind of strange realm.

"Wow," said Link, "This reminds me of a bad acid trip I had once!"

"Link," said the fairy, "Here, I shall bestow upon you great powers...Link! Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah, yeah," said Link, who was peeing in a small pond at the end of the room.

"That's the fairy fountain, you asshole! Stop pissing in it or I'll snap your neck!"

"That's the fairy fountain?" said Link, "Please! I've seen puddles that are more spectacular."

"Whatever," said the fairy, "Listen, I am here to aid you on your quest. Allow me to extend the size of your rupee purse!"

"First of all," began Link, "It's a man bag, and secondly, how will that help me?"

"You'll see in the future..."

The fairy snapped her fingers and Link's purse...I mean man-bag suddenly grew twice its size.

"Great," said Link, "Another thing to weigh me down. I'm not a weightlifter, you know!"

"There. I hope you enjoy it!"

"Seeing as how you increased the size of the bag, but not the amount of rupees, I'm gonna have a hard time enjoying it."

"So long, hero, and let the fairies in this fountain ease your weariness. Come back any time you need to replenish your energy."

"Replenish my energy? What is this, a gas station?"

The fairy suddenly dissappeared.

"Great," said Link, "Now I'm on my own and trapped in this fucking dimension. Oh well, might as well grab a fairy."

Link made his way to the fountain, which now had fairies floating on top of it and trapped one of them in his bottle. Suddenly, everything around Link began to spin really fast.

"Woah," said Link, "The fuck..."

Link awoke back in the forest. A bird landed on his head and shat on him.

"Beautiful," said Link, "It was all just a dream, and I'm covered in fucking bird shit...What the?"

Link looked at his bottle, which had a fairy floating around in it.

"Weird...I better get the hell outta here!"

* * *

Link found himself lying on top of a small bunk bed. After looking around for a bit, he rolled off and hit the floor.

"What the..." began Link.

"You!" said Zill, snorting a large wad of snot, "You burst my bubble!"

"No I...It's..." began Link.

"Hey," said Abe, walking into the room, "What's going on here?"

"It was him!" said Link.

"Daddy," said Zill, "You burst my bubble?"

"Burst your what?" asked Abe.

"You burst my bubble, daddy, and now you're gonna pay!"

Zill then kicked Abe in the balls.

"OH!" screamed Abe, "My fucking testes!"

"Heh heh," laughed Link, "Sucker."

Link walked out of the door. Once again, Link was not paying attention to where he was going and fell right off the cliff...Thank God the bottle wasn't broken.

Finally, Link made it to his Grandma's house, where she was sitting in a rocking chair, sleeping.

"Grandma," whispered Link, "It's me, Link."

"Aryll..." muttered Grandma.

"No, I don't have her with me..."

"Ooooooh..."

Suddenly, Grandma ripped a huge fart.

"Wow," said Link, "That really killed the mood."

"Link?" said Grandma, "Is that really you? Where have you been? How are you? Did you pass by Uncle Reggie's house on the way back?"

"Grandma, he's been dead for five years."

"The poor man..."

"Here," said Link, "I brought something for you."

"Milk?"

"Whoops, wrong bottle! Here..."

Link opened the bottle and the fairy flew out. As it did so, it sprinkled a little fairy dust on Grandma, causing her to recover.

"My goodness," said Grandma, "I feel wonderful! I have never felst so fucking alive!"

Grandma began to do backflips around the house.

"Geez," said Link to the fairy, "What do sprinkle on her? Roids?"

The fairy simply chuckled and flew out the window.

"You poor boy," said Grandma, as she approached Link, "You've been out there in the big scary world trying to save your sister, and I've been here moaning and whining like a little bitch. I feel awful."

"Now, grandma," said Link, "I wouldn't want you to do anything at all to protect your grandchildren...That'd be too much of a strain on you."

"Here," said Grandma, "Take this red rupee, it's the least I can do!"

"I don't know, grandma, there's an awful lot of 'supplies' to buy if I'm gonna rescue my sister, and I did just get my rupee purse...Um, I mean man-bag, enlarged."

"50 rupees?"

"Now we're talking my language."

Grandma dug into her nearby purse and pulled out a purple rupee.

"It's the last bit of money I have in my savings account. Please use it wisely..."

"Yeah, yeah! Just make with the dough, Granny!"

Grandma handed Link the purple rupee and bent forward to kiss him. Link simply put a plant in front of her and she kissed that instead.

"Bye!" said Link, as he headed out the front door, "Love ya!"

"Well," said KORL as Link approached him.

"I saved my grandma and I got a little cash," began Link, "Now, let's go blow the shit outta that rock!"


	8. Enter the Tower of Stupidity!

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 8:**

BOOM! BOOM! KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Link and KORL made their way through the now-open cave on the wall of Outset Island. As Link sailed inside the dark grotto, he looked around.

"I don't get it," said Link, "Why's it so dark in here...And where the fuck is fish-boy?"

"It's dark in here because there's no light," said KORL.

"Really?" said Link sarcastically, "Tell me something else I don't know."

"You'll see," said KORL, "Oh, Jabun!"

A huge fish creature suddenly appeared from beneath the sea. There was a large lantern dangling from an antennae on its head.

"Bloom, bom, droom?" asked Jabun.

"Come again?" said Link.

"Blamboo broo," said Jabun, "Juni Beroo?"

"He's speaking Hylian," whispered KORL, "Just let me do all the talking."

"Whatever," said Link.

"Yo, Jabie," said KORL, "My man. How's it been?"

"Yua Ku," replied Jabun.

"I see," said KORL.

"Blee Bloo Bunu," said Jabun.

"Oh," said KORL.

"Porgo Hunji Poo..." began Jabun, "Pomo Tofoo."

"I know," said KORL.

"Kio Jara?"

"Yes."

"Uni Kio Era..."

"No."

"Jutra Bunji?"

"Yes."

"Kuso Turo?"

"Yes. Ganondorf is looking for Zelda, and I believe that is why he created this storm. That's why we must break the curse!"

"Kiooooooo!"

Jabun then shook a bit, causing a large blue pearl to fly out of his lantern. Link caught it.

"Thank you so much, Jabun!" said KORL, "We'll be on our way now."

"Joho!" announced Jabun, before sinking back into the water.

"Um," said Link, "What exactly was he talking about?"

"Beats the hell outta me," said KORL, "I was just answering as I went along."

"Oh great," said Link, "This stupid fucker doesn't even know what the fuck that fish thing was talking about and he expects me to save the world?"

"Hey! Shut up and get moving! We have to put the goddamn pearls in their respective spots! I've marked them on your sea chart for you!"

"This old thing? I haven't even looked at it since we began our journey! And how the hell could someone with no arms open up a map and scribble stuff on it?"

"I'll explain later. Let's just get going for now..."

--

Link was forced to make his way through swarms of man-eating seahats, vicious gyorgs, cyclones, and retarded treasure hunters. Link had successfully placed the first two pearls on their proper pedestals, and was now on his way to placing the last one.

"Oy, Link!" called a voice.

"Oh no," said Link, "It's those fuckers from Salvage Corp again! Help me!"

"What do you want me to do?" asked KORL, "Just shrug them off, geez!"

"Oy," the Salvage corp submarine approached Link. On it were four guys, each naked except for speedos and diving helmets. Their submarine had a large crane for hauling treasure, "Would you be interested by any chance in purchasing our newly hauled, seaweed covered, vase? Based on our observations, it appears to be over 2000 years old, and may be worth something..."

"NO!" snapped Link, "I don't want a stupid vase, or any of the other stupidities you've pulled out of this Godforsaken ocean! You have been stalking me since Angular isles, asking me to buy this useless shit, and I my answer is always 'No' so back the fuck off and go bother someone else."

"But we're trying to start a business," said the leader of Salvage Corp, "We were only able to afford our snappy diving helmets. We want to be rich and famous."

"Boo-hoo," said Link, "So does everybody else."

"And eventually," continued the leader, "We want to open a theme park on one of the empty islands, you know, create a little tourist hot-spot where you can relax, chill out, buy cotton candy and shit."

"Sounds interesting..." said Link.

"Really?"

"NO! GET THE HELL OUTTA MY LIFE!"

"How about a nice treasure chest filled with fish skeletons? Would you buy that?"

"These fuckers just dont'e learn..." said Link, "KORL, how do you open the cannon?"

"Link," said KORL, "Don't even think about it..."

"Too late," said Link, "I've thought about it, and now I'm doing it. Ah! Here's the switch!"

"Hey," said one of the Salvage corp guys, "Did that boat just talk?"

All of a sudden, a giant cannon popped out from the King of Red Lions.

"EEP!"

Link fired a bomb straight at the Salvage Corp submarine, blowing a huge hole in it and causing it to sink.

"Well," said the leader, holding a white flag, "Down we go. It was nice knowing you guys and I...Blub, blub, blub..."

"Bye!" said the other guys, before sinking as well.

"Jesus Christ!" said Link, "Glad that's over with. Now, to place the final pearl."

"Link," said KORL, "Before you place that last pearl, I must warn you. The placing of the three pearls will result in a catastrophic event that will rock the sea, change the face of the Great Sea, and send you through a world of pain if you are not careful. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, fuckhead, I hear ya loud and clear," said Link as he stepped onto the island, "Well, here goes nothing!"

Link walked up to the small statue standing in the middle of the island and placed the pearl in its hands. As he did so, there was a large rumble.

"Aw," said Link, "That red fucker was right."

The rumbling stopped.

"Oh, nevermind."

The statue suddenly exploded, sending Link flying hundreds of feet in the air. The entire Great Sea began to shake violently as a large grey tower emerged from the water in the centre of the three pearl islands. Link, who was still flying, crashed into one of the walls surrounding this newly formed tower.

"Ow," muttered Link, "Not again..."

As Link fell into the sea, KORL sailed right up next to him.

"Don't say it," said Link.

"Told ya so," said KORL.

"Fack! I said don't say it, you cock-sucking boat fucker!"

"Hop on..."

Link got on KORL, who then sailed inside the tower.

"So," began Link, "What is this, another grotto? Am I supposed to find another fat fucking fish in here or what?"

"No," replied KORL, "This is the Tower of the Gods. Here, you must test your skills and prove to the gods that you are indeed worthy of being called a hero."

"That's a relief," said Link, "'Cause I'm fed up of listening to these fat bastards speaking their little Hylian gibberish."

"Once you pass the test," began KORL, "You can go rescue your sister."

"Thank God," said Link, "I don't know how much longer she'll last...Bah, whatever. I'll just take my time."

KORL sailed all the way to the end of the room. Link got off and stepped onto the platform.

"Good luck" said KORL.

"Yeah," said Link, "Good luck finding a parking spot in here."

--

Link climbed an endless series of stairs to get to the top. Once he was at the highest floor, he approached a large door. Link knocked.

"Yeeeeeeeees?" said a voice.

"It's me, Link," said Link, "I'm here to do your little test."

"Oh that," said the voice, "I forgot you were coming. Hold on a minute!"

Link stood there, tapping his foot.

"All right," said the voice, "You can come in now."

Link opened the huge door and walked inside. There was a large circular platform in the middle of the room and the outside area was covered with an electrical substance. On the wall, was a large statute consisting of a head and two hands.

"Welcome, young hero," said the voice, "Now that you have made it this far, it is time to prove yourself worthy of being a hero. You have survived many battles and defeated many great foes. Now, you will face your biggest challenge yet!"

"Yeah," said Link, "If you call those other encounters 'battles'..."

"As your final test, you will face me! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"What's so funny? You like going around beating little children?"

"No, I just thought it sounded cool."

"What do you look like anyways?"

"ALAS!" The giant statue broke off from the wall and hovered towards Link, "I am Gohdan!"

"How the hell am I gonna beat this thing?" wondered Link.

The monster approached Link and slammed one of its fists down. Link rolled to dodge it. The monster then slammed another fist down. Link dodged it, but nearly fell into the electrical pit.

"Shit!" snapped Link.

Suddenly, he saw a hand sliding across the floor. It was trying to push Link into the electrified floor.

"Oh no, you don't!" said Link.

Link jumped onto the disembodied hand and held onto its thumb as it flew up into the air. Gohdan began to shake his hand violently to get Link to let go. Link eventually flew off and landed right on Gohdan's face.

"Hold still, you little bastard," said Gohdan.

Gohdan attempted to smack Link off. Link desperately climbed inside of Gohdan's nose for shelter. Gohdan then smacked his face, knocking himself silly.

"Phew," said Link, "That was close! Where am I?"

Link looked around. There were pretty colours everywhere, and random objects were floating around.

"Woah!" began Link, "Psychadelic..."

Link then saw a banana float by. He grabbed it.

"My grandma always told me never to eat food I found in a stranger's nose..." said Link, "But I'm hungry, so fuck that!"

Link peeled the banana. Inside was a swarm of vicious spiders.

"AH!" screamed Link, "Fuck!"

Link shook them off his hand before running some more in the colourful abyss. Eventually, he arrived at a large altar where a man in robes sat.

"Who are you?" demanded Link.

"The question is," began the man, "Who do you want me to be?"

"A hot stripper would be nice," continued Link, "But right now I need answers! Where the fuck am I? What are you doing here? Why do I feel like I just consumed a week's worth of pot?"

"All these things will be made clear soon," continued the man, "And unfortunately, I don't do strippers."

"Awwww..." said Link, "Well, then could you at least tell me how to beat Gohdan?"

"He cannot be beaten..."

"That's just great."

"Unless you got these!" The man held up a bow with some arrows.

"Perfect!" said Link "Gimme gimme gimme!"

"No," said the man, "You must beat me in a thumb war!"

Link rolled his eyes and approached the man. They grabbed each other's hands and closed them into a single fist.

"1-2-3-4, I declare a thumb war..."

Just as they were about to begin the thumb war, Link suddenly pushed his hand up, causing his extended thumb to penetrate the man's eye.

"OW!" screamed the man, "You dirty, rotten bastard!"

"Ha! Ha! Sucka!" Link then swiped the bow and began to run.

"You will pay for this!" the man snapped his fingers and a giant ball of snot suddenly appeared and began to chase Link.

"Damn!" said Link.

As Link ran, the _Indianna Jones _theme song could be heard in the background. Link ran with all his might down the long tunnel until he saw the exit. Link leapt through the large opening.

"AAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Gohdan, as he sneezed Link and the giant booger out.

"Yo man," said Link, "You better get that nose of yours checked. You've got all sorts of fucked-up things living in your nasal cavity..."

"Yeah," said Gohdan, "Well, I haven't cleaned it in over 10000 years so...Whatever, let's just get back to the battle!"

Gohdan tried to slam his hands down on Link, but Link managed to dodge them. Link pulled out his new bow and fired an arrow at one of Gohdan's hands. It struck the small red eye in the centre of the hand, causing it to shut down.

"Yes!" said Link, "Right on the money!"

Gohdan attempted the sweeping move again, but Link fired another arrow straight at the other red eye. With both hands shut down, Gohdan closed his eyes and began to fire a deadly stream of fire from his mouth.

"YIPES!" shouted Link, as he rolled around the arena, trying to dodge the move. Gohdan circled the arena, breathing fire all over the place. However, with his eyes closed, he could not see where he was going and eventually crashed into a wall.

"Nya Nyah, loser!" said Link, "I'm over here, you fat flying prick!"

Gohdan turned around and attempted to attack Link, but before he could do the move again, Link fired an arrow straight in one of Gohdan's eyes, causing the head to collapse.

"AAAHHH!" yelled Gohdan, "My eye! What have you done, you little..."

"Open wide," said Link, as he pulled out a huge bomb and tossed it into Gohdan's big, open mouth. When the bomb exploded, Gohdan's head flew up into the air anc crashed back onto the floor, sideways.

"So?" asked Link, "Did I win or what?"

"No," said Gohdan, "You must...AH! My jaw!"

"Hmmm, well I guess I'm gonna have to beat you some more."

"NO! NO! You won! You won! Please for the love of god, no more!"

"Where's my portal outta here?"

Gohdan uttered an incantation, causing a portal to open up in the middle of the floor. Before stepping into it, Link kicked Gohdan in the face one last time.

"Ow!"

--

Link found himself on the roof of the Tower where a large bell stood. Link approached it.

"My grandma always told me to never ring strange bells. Oh well, fuck her."

Link pulled the cord near the bell, causing it to ring loudly. As the bell rang, a small yellow portal opened up near KORL, who was standing outside the tower on the sea.

"Link!" called out, "Come down! We must step..."

Suddenly, Link jumped off the tower landed in the water next to KORL.

"Nevermind," said KORL.

Link climbed onto his boat and the two dissappeared into the yellow light.


	9. Unnecessary Cliffhanger

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 9:**

"Link," said KORL, "Link...Wake up!"

Link, who was sleeping in the boat, slowly opened his eyes and sat up.

"Huh?" said Link, "How long was I out?"

"Not long," replied KORL, "We're almost there."

"Well," began Link, "It feels we've been here for months."

"That's probably because it's been forever since the author updated...But we're here now, so wake up and focus!"

"Wait a minute," Link frantically looked around, "I'm underwater! How the fuck am I breathing? How the fuck am I talking?"

"We are protected by a magic spell," replied KORL.

"Cool," said Link, lighting a cigar, "We totally raped the laws of physics!"

They eventually landed in a large town. KORL parked himself near a large castle.

"Is this the lost city of Atlanta?" asked Link.

"It's Antlantis," said KORL, "And no, we're in Hyrule."

"Atlantic City?"

"Atlantis!"

"Antlantica?"

"That's not even a real name!" KORL sighed, "Nevermind. This is Hyrule, the ancient land that was once saved by the Hero of Time."

"Well, he didn't do a very good job of that..."

"It's a long story. It will all be explained to you later."

"Lazy fuck," muttered Link as he climbed out of the boat.

"All you have to do is find the Blade of Evil's Bane. It is located in a secret chamber that you can access in the middle of the main hall."

"Blade of Evil's what?"

"Just find the goddamn Master Sword."

"Sweet!" Link then pulled out his small hero's sword, "Finally, I get an upgrade!"

As Link made his way into the castle, he tossed the small sword into the air, which unfortunately landed right into KORL's back.

"Ow..." muttered KORL, "I can't wait until this is over..."

--

Link slowly made his way through the creepy, abandoned castle. There were Darknuts and Moblins all over the castle, but they appeared to be frozen in time.

"Creepy," said Link, "Well, well, well, who is that handsome man?"

Link stared at the large statue of himself. Well, it wasn't really himself. Well, actually, it kinda is...Aw forget it.

"The passage must be around here," muttered Link.

"Yo," said a voice. link pulled the stone out of his pocket.

"Goddamnit," snapped Link, "Didn't I throw this in the ocean months ago?"

"I went to fetch it while you were in the Forest Haven," said KORL, "This thing is very useful and I may use it from time to time to talk to you."

"Yeah," said Link, "Useful...In giving me a fucking headache."

"Look around, Link," began KORL, "What do you see?"

"A classic example of Royal Excess..." replied Link, "And a very sexy representation of my ancestor. Oh, and a bunch of dudes that look like they're posing for the cover of _Warrior Weekly_."

"Next to the statue, there should be a switch. Pull it."

Link pulled a small switch near the statue of the hero of time, causing the statue to move aside and reveal a passage.

"Go into the passage," said KORL.

"Yeah, yeah," said Link, "I know what I'm doing now. I don't need you anymore to tell me stuff!"

"Wait, Link!"

But before KORL could say anything, Link tossed aside the stone and climbed down the stairs.

"Aaaah," said Link, "Come to papa."

Link approached the small pedestal that stood in the middle of the underground room. Suddenly, he heard a voice.

"Welcome, brave warrior," it said, "To your destiny. On this platform, you will find the very same sword used by the hero of time in the slaying of Ganon."

"Awesome," said Link, "Can't wait."

"But first," continued the voice, "We must recite the Warrior's Prayer before you can take the sword."

"What?" asked Link.

"The Warrior's Prayer is a sacred ritual performed before the young warrior claims the Blade of Evil's Bane."

"You're joking, right?"

"Afraid not. Now, pay attention. Ahem, _Blessed is he, who travels the land, purifying the evil, and destroying the dark ones..."_

"Damn, this would be a lot easier of I payed attention in church all these years."

_"Blessed is he who dons the green cloak and dances around like a little fairy boy."_

"Hey! That wasn't my choice! I wanted to wear a motorcycle jacket..."

_"Blessed is he who wields the Master Sword, beheading and mutilating all those evil sons of bitches before devouring their insides like a twisted, carnivorous wolf..."_

"Geez, isn't that a little unnecessary?"

_"Blessed is he..."_

"You know what?" said Link, "Shut the fuck up. I'm fed up of this bullshit. Just let me grab the sword already."

"Fine," said the voice, "Grab you're fucking sword. Who cares about tradition, right? Fucking piece of shit!"

Link rolled his eyes and approached the sword. He spat on each hand and wiped them together. He then took a deep breath and placed both his hands and on the handle of the Master Sword.

"I read the legend of king Arthur," said Link, "And that Excalibur was a pretty heavy sword. Oh well, here goes nothing..."

Link pulled the sword with all his might. However, the sword was much lighter and much looser than he expected, and because Link was pulling with all his might, the sword flew up into the air and landed into the surrounding moat.

"Oops," said Link, "Um, you think I can maybe try again?"

There was no answer.

"Fine," said Link, "Be that way, you stupid piss-drinker!"

Link made his way to the pool and pulled the sword out. After wiping the weapon on his shirt, he held it up to the sky.

"WOOO!" shouted Link, "This is gonna be fun!"

Link walked out of the secret room only to discover that every Darknut and Moblin had come to life and was making its way over to Link.

"Fuck me sideways," said Link.

Link readied his sword as the monsters suddenly surrounded him...

--

Will Link find a way out of this mess? Will Aryll ever be rescued? Will King of Red Lions find some way to occupy himself while Link wastes his time in the castle? Will Grandma stop being a pussy and do something to help her grandchildren? Find out next chapter in _Link's Windwaker Adventure!_


	10. Link Strikes Back

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 10:**

KORL sat outside humming to himself and bobbing his head to the beat. All of a sudden, Link stepped outside. His shirt was torn and he was covered in blood.

"Link's finally back!" said KORL, "That makes the highlight of my day!"

"Shut the fuck up," said Link, "Oh, and fuckface, you forgot to tell me that all those fucking monsters in there would come back to life after I grabbed this piece of shit sword!"

"The Hell was I supposed to know?" said KORL, "It's been centuries since I've visited this place!"

"I have to admit though," said Link, "This master sword is pretty sweet. It makes killing so much easier..."

"Yes," said KORL, "With it, we can finally rescue your sister."

"Yeah," said Link, "That's fun and all, but can we find some secret caves first so I can kill more bad guys, you know, maybe test this baby out more?"

"I'm not even gonna bother arguing anymore," said KORL, "I'm just gonna take you to the Fortress."

"Awww..." said Link, "Partypooper."

--

When they arrived at the Fortress, it had conveniently turned night again and the spotlights were carefully examining the sea around them.

"We must devise a plan," said KORL.

"Haven't you learned anything?" said Link, "When you got bombs, you fuck the plan!"

"Yeah, but..."

It was too late. Link had already opened the cannon and was pointing it at the large wooden gate that lead into the fortress.

"Link," snapped KORL, "You crazy motherfucker!"

Link fired the cannon and KORL was forced to duck his head to avoid being decapitated by the bomb's blast. The bomb flew straight into the wooden gate, causing it to explode. The two quickly made their way in.

"You couldn't have kept your head up?" asked Link.

"Why?" asked KORL, "That could've blown my head off!"

"Exactly. Then I wouldn't have had to hear you anymore!"

"Fuck off," said KORL, "You know if my head exploded, the blast would have killed you too?"

"Still, it would've been funny!"

"Is there anything besides violence and watching people die horribly that makes you happy?"

"I like kittens and rainbows and shit."

"Really?"

"No! Shut the fuck and let me save my sister, already!"

"Be careful, they know you're here."

"Yeah, yeah," Link got out of the boat, "With my new master sword, no one will lay a finger on me. Ha!"

Link then ran off. He climbed the stairs and found himself in the middle of the large platform where several spotlights circled the area.

"Nyah! Nyah!" laughed Link, "I'm not afraid of you guys anymore!"

Large cannons on the side of the fortress walls began firing bombs at Link.

"Oh shit!" Link began running for his life as the bombs landed near him.

"Mwahahaha!" laughed a voice.

"What the fuck?" said Link.

Suddenly, a large, black figure appeared in front of Link. He resembled Ganondorf, but covered in shadow.

"I am Phantom Gannon and I have come..."

"Yeah," said Link, "Running past him. Whatever, it's all good, but I have to rescue my sister!"

"Hey!" snapped PG.

"Maybe we'll meet again when I go to Ganon's castle," continued Link as he ran off and disappeared into the nearest doorway.

"Why you little...Fucking kid," muttered PG before teleporting away.

--

Link was now inside, but his problems were not over yet. At least three Moblins greeted Link as he entered the hallway.

"Prepare to become pork-chopped!" said Link, "God, that line was awful!"

One Moblin swung his large spear, just narrowly missing Link. As another Moblin tried to jab Link, Link ducked under and swung his sword, cutting off the legs of the closest Moblin to him. Link the stood up and swung his sword across the other Moblin's belly, causing it to tear open and spill out all his guts.

"Awesome!" said Link.

The final Moblin held up his spear to block Link's oncoming blow, but Link surprised him by doing a side roll and stabbing him in the ribs, killing him instantly. Link then planted his sword into the legless Moblin, who was lying face-up on the ground, killing him as well. Link then held the edge of the tip of the Master Sword to his lips and blew on it like it was a smoking gun.

Link continued his journey through the fortress, killing any guard that came his way. He eventually found himself upstairs, facing another large swarm of Moblins.

"No problem," said Link, "I can take you guys all on!"

Link danced around the Moblins, dodging their attacks and cutting them up in return. One Moblin, however, managed to cut a bit of Link's shoulder.

"Ow," said Link, "That hurt, man! Could you be a little more careful?"

"I'm sorry dude," said the Moblin, "But that's what happens when you break in here and start killing Moblins. We gotta kill you back!"

"Yeah, true," said Link, "I hear ya!"

Link then stabbed him in the gut.

"But that means I have to kill you back...back! No wait, does that make sense?"

Link was suddenly surrounded.

"Shit!" snapped Link, "No time to think about stuff! Gotta run!"

Overwhelmed, Link ran away from the Moblins and down a hallway, while they chased him down. Link eventually arrived at a dead end. There was a large gap between the floors, and the only door out was at the other side.

"Fuck," muttered Link, "What am I gonna do now?"

"Link," said a voice, "Link..."

"Who the fuck is it now?" demanded Link.

"It is I, Nikko," said the ghostly image of Nikko the pirate that appeared before Link.

"Hey, Nikko!" said Link, "I remember you! Didn't you die in your own stupid booby-trap?"

"Death trap," corrected Nikko.

"Whatever."

"Do you remember your training, Link?"

"Seeing as I am high, like, 26/7, I seriously doubt I do, but go on."

"You must swing to the other side, my friend."

"Hmmm..." Link looked at the ceiling and saw a lantern hanging from it, "It's awfully far..."

"You can do it," said Nikko, "Use the force."

"Yeah, yeah," said Link, "Who do you think you are? Vader?"

"Actually," began Nikko, "It was Obi-Wan..."

"Does it look like I care? Now, buzz off, _Casper!_"

The Moblins entered the room and were now a few feet away from Link.

"Here goes nothing..."

Link ran as fast as he could and jumped, grabbing the lamp in the air. He swung a bit before letting go and landing on the other side. The Moblins, being the idiots that they were, merely chased after Link and fell down the large gap. They all landed head-first to the ground, breaking their necks. Link chuckled before going into the door.

--

Link was now at the top of the fortress. He was climbing the stairs, trying to find the room where Aryll was kept. Link arrived at the top floor and stood in front of a large wooden door.

"This must be it," said Link, "Aryll, here I come!"

Link kicked open the door. Inside, there were three Bokoblins that were sitting at a table, playing cards and drinking liquor.

"Alright," said Link, "Get ready Bokoblin scum 'cause I'm about to chop your heads off!"

"Buzz off," said one of the Bokoblins, "Can't you see we're on break?"

"Yeah," said another, "Go bother one of the Moblins on duty."

"I killed most of them actually," said Link, "Whatever. Could you at least tell me where my sister is being kept?"

"The door to your right," said the third Bokoblin.

"Thanks!"

Link ran off. From inside their hangout, the Bokoblins could hear Link screaming.

"Alright, guys," shouted Link, "Where's my sister? You better give her up, or so help me...WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE?"

"Your other right!" yelled the Bokoblin, "That's the bathroom!"

"Thanks again! Oh, and someone better fix that leak!"

This time, Link ran to the appropriate door. He used his Master Sword as a crowbar to open the large wooden door open.

"Aryll?" said Link.

Link looked around. It was a large room with a big drain on the floor and several flights of stairs going up. In the right corner was a small cage where Aryll and another girl were being kept.

"Big Brother!" said Aryll, "It's about time you got here, you fucking lazy piece of shit!

"Hey!" snapped Link, "Shut your fat fucking bimbo face up before I take my sword and ass-rape you with it! It was a long difficult journey and I had to collect pearls and shit for some reason and that kinda held me back...Oh and the weather was bad."

"Yeah, yeah," said Aryll, "Excuses, excuses."

"Do you know how much shit the author cut out of this story so that I can get to you faster?" asked Link, "Besides, you're lucky I even came to get you. I could've left you here to rot, you selfish, self-centred whore!"

"Um," said the other girl, "I don't mean to interrupt the um, reunion, but we need to find a way out before some guards come..."

"Well, well, well," said Link, approaching the girl, "You're a hot one. My name's Link, and you are..."

"Mila," replied the girl.

"That sounds like a sexy name," said Link, "Wanna get together sometime?"

"Um," said Mila, "I don't think this is the right time..."

"Typical," said an all too familiar voice, "There's an important job to do, and Link still manages to find time to slack off and flirt with girls."

"Not to mention," added Link, "Get stoned."

Tetra then stepped into the room, along with her pirates, revealing herself as the source of the voice.

"Tetra?" said Link, turning his head in her direction, "Just when I thought my nightmare was over!"

"Geez," said Tetra, "Is there anyone you don't hate?"

"This gorgeous creature here," replied Link, "I could tap that ass all night long! _Bom-chika-wah-wah_!"

Tetra ordered her pirates to open the cell door.

"It shows how stupid you are!" said Tetra, "That bird was about to come after you again. Thank God we were here this time to stop it!"

"You could've stopped it last time!" said Link.

"Um, um yeah, but...Look your sister is safe, so whatever."

Link rolled his eyes and looked away. As he did so, Tetra noticed his Master Sword.

"Is that...Is it true...How can this be?..." she asked.

"Yeah," said Link, "That's right, suck it in. That's the Master Sword, baby, in the flesh!"

"No," said Tetra, "I was talking about the holster...Is that real Lon-Lon leather? It's beautiful!"

Link sighed.

"Are we ready to go?" asked Gonzo.

"Wait!" said Mila, "Aren't we missing that ugly brown-haired girl. Maggie?"

"There's someone else?" asked Link, "Aw, fuck me!"

"A Moblin came in and took her to the bathroom," said Aryll, "But they've been gone for hours now!"

"Wait a minute," said Link, as he approached a nearby closet.

When Link opened it, he saw Maggie having sex with a Moblin.

"Fack!" screamed Link, "Just when I thought I've seen it all!"

"Oh," said Maggie, "Hi...um, this is Moe. He's my um, friend. Are you here to rescue me?"

"Friends don't fuck each other in closets," said Link, "Now, come with me, bitch!"

Link pulled Maggie out of the closet.

"I'll always love you," said Moe.

"Moe," she called out, "Wait for me..."

"Nuh-huh," said Link, "That ain't happening."

Link then stabbed Moe in the gut, killing him.

"Moe..." whispered a horror-stricken Maggie.

"Get these bitches outta here," ordered Link.

"Hey!" said Tetra, "I'm the captain. I'm the one who gets to order my pirates around!"

"Fine."

"Alright guys, you heard the boy in green! Get these bitches outta here!"

The pirates carried the three girls out of the prison. As Aryll left, she flipped Link off.

"Listen, Link," began Tetra, "That bird is coming back soon. We can only hold it off for so long."

"No problem," said Link, "We can take it!"

"Actually," said Tetra, "_You're _taking it on. We have to bring your sister home and, um, yeah...Good luck!"

"Get your fat ass back here, bitch!" snapped Link, "How dare you!"

"Bye!" Tetra left, slamming the large wooden door shut.

Link ran up to the door and pounded on it.

"I hope your boat sinks," yelled Link, "Or get hits by a cyclone!"

Just then, Link heard a noise. He looked up through the hole in the ceiling and saw the Helmaroc King fly overhead. The bird slowly dropped into the room where Link was.

"Ready to die?" asked Link, readying his sword.

The bird let out a piercing scream and snapped its beak at Link. Link rolled to dodge the blow. Link then swung his sword in attempt to chop the Helmaroc King's leg off, but it did no damage.

"Fuck that," said Link.

Link abandonned the battle and ran for the stairs. He climbed as fast as he could. The Helmaroc King continued to lash out at the Hero of Winds. With every strike of his beak, the Helmaroc King removed a chunk of wooden stairs from behind Link. What was worse was that drain on the floor began shooting out water, causing the room to flood.

"Damn," said Link, "Gotta run."

As he ran up, several Bokoblins tried to attack him. Link knocked them down with his sword as he continued his way up. He eventually escaped the room and ended up at the top of the tower. The giant bird joined Link just before the opening in the ground closed up. The Helmaroc King let out another scream before flapping its wings violently, creating a hurricane-like wind. Link planted his sword into the ground and held onto it as tightly as possible to prevent himself from flying into the spikes that surrounded the battlefield.

"I'm not going down that easily!" said Link, struggling to hold on.

The Helmaroc King gave up and flew towards Link in attempt to attack him again. Link rolled out of the way once more as the Helmaroc King flew off in the distance.

"He'll be back," said Link, "And when he comes, I'll be ready..."

Link pulled out his bow and aimed for the big bird. Link, however, was shaking too much and could not aim properly.

"Fuck," said Link, "I need something to calm my nerves, or I'll never hit that fucker!"

Link then pulled out a joint and began to smoke it.

"Aaaaaah," said Link, "That's the stuff. Aw, man, where am I? What was I supposed to do? Sweet, look how high up I am!"

The Hemaroc King began to come back.

"Woah," said Link, "Is that _Big Bird?_"

The Helmaroc King made another dive for Link. Desperate, Link threw his joint at the large bird, who then swallowed it. The Helmaroc King suddenly stopped.

"Aw," said Link, "The poor thing is stoned out of his head. Hey, buddy, whazzup?

The bird just laughed and staggered around.

"You know what?" said Link, "You kinda resemble my Uncle, Frank. He's dead now, but he was cool...And he had red hair and a beak like you. HA!" Like then laughed goofily.

The big bird laughed some more.

"You like that?" asked Link, "Here's another one...A joke this time," Link then thought for a second, "What do you call a plant that grows out of a woman's cunt? Give up? A _Vag-table_! Get it? HA!"

The Helmaroc King closed its eyes and laughed so hard, that it backed up into the ledge and fell over the side. Too stoned to realize where it was, the Helmaroc King plummeted to the ground. He landed headfirst, causing his head to crack open and spill his brains out all over the place.

"Gnarly," said Link, "Now what am I supposed to do?"

Link violently shook his head, snapping himself out of his pot-induced trip.

"Yes, that's right! I saved my sister and killed that fat fucking bird. Now, it's time to get that perv, Ganondorf!"

Link then ran up the stairs to Ganondorf's chamber.


	11. Jesus Juice

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 11:**

Link finally made it up to Ganondorf's room in the ship-like building high up in the fortress. Link pounded on the door.

"Ganon!" called Link, "Open this door!"

There was no answer.

"Fine," continued Link, "Then I'll break it down!"

Link rammed the door as hard as he could, but it did not budge. Link fell to the floor, semi-conscious. Suddenly, Ganon opened it.

"Geez," said Ganon, "All you had to do was wait."

Ganon then slowly walked inside. Link stood up and followed him.

"Ganon," said Link, "I have found the Master Sword, thwarted your plans, and set the kidnapped girls free! Now, surrender!"

"Fool," said Ganon, "That sword won't give you the power you need to stop me!"

"It won't?" asked Link, "Fuck! Then I wasted my time!"

"Yes, indeed," continued the Great King of Evil, "For you see, that sword acted like a key for all these centuries, blocking me from gaining access to my power. Now that you have pulled the sword out of the stone, my powers have returned! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

"I don't care!" said Link, "You're still going down! And your fucking parrot won't be around to save you this time!"

Link charged at Ganondorf as fast as he could. The next thing he knew, Ganon was holding Link up by throat.

"Put me down, you big fat pedophile!" snapped Link.

"Not until I read you a bedtime story!" said Ganon, "HA HA HA!"

"Nooooooooo..."

Ganon then sat on a large armchair and forced Link onto his lap. He then grabbed a goblet off a nearby table.

"Here you go, boy," said Ganon, putting the cup to Link's lips, "Have some of my 'Jesus Juice'. It's very good! Yum yum!"

"No!" said Link, gulping some of it down, "My one true weakness...Alcohol!"

"That's been drugged," added Ganon.

Link stopped resisting and hung his head low as Ganon pulled out a book.

"My favourite book," said Ganon, "_The Little Boy Who Climbed the Hill_."

Ganon wrapped one arm around Link and held the book up with it. His other arm was free.

"You'll never get away with this Ganon," Link said wearily.

"Shut up, boy!" snapped Ganon, "_Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Timmy who wanted to climb the big hill in his back yard. However, the hill was far too tall, and poor little Timmy was scared that he would hurt himself..._"

As Ganon read, he placed his free arm on Link's knee and slowly made his way up.

"No..." muttered Link, "For the love of God, no..."

Just then, Tetra burst in.

"Hold it right there, Ganon," Tetra, "Link I came to help...What the fuck?"

Ganon dropped Link and the book.

"He drugged me," said Link, "And then he read me a bedtime story and then he tried to molest me, the fucking pervert!"

"This is fucked up," said Tetra, "You're going down!"

Tetra charged at Ganon with her little piece of shit knife. Within seconds, she was being held up by her throat like Link was earlier.

"Put me down, you brute," said Tetra, as she struggled to break free.

"I tried that before," said Link, "Didn't really work..."

"Yeah?" said Tetra, "Well, a warning would have been nice."

"Silence!" Snapped Ganon, "For your intrusion, you too will be forced to...What the?"

Ganon's hand began to glow. On it, there was the shape of triforce.

"Ah-Ha!" said Ganon, "My triforce of power is glowing! You must be Princess Zelda, at long last!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Tetra, "My name's Tetra, and I'm a pirate!"

"You can't run from your destiny, Princess!"

"Link" called Tetra, "Help me! This weirdo's making all sorts of crazy assumptions! Link? Link!"

"Mmmmmm," said Link, gulping down the rest of the 'Jesus Juice,' "That's some good shit!"

"Fuck you and help me, you son of a prick!" snapped Tetra.

"Me, me, me!" said Link, in a mocking voice, "Always about what you want! One of these days..."

Before Link could finish his sentence, he was suddenly swept away by an unseen figure. Before Tetra could react, she too was swept right out of Ganon's hands

"What the hell's going on?" demanded Ganon.

Just then, a large red dragon appeared at Ganon's window.

"Now what?"

The dragon opened its mouth and fired a blast of flames into the structure, almost completely obliterating it, before taking off.

--

Link awoke to find himself on the back of KORL along with Tetra, who was unconscious. They were at the Tower of the Gods, and Quill and Komali were hovering above them.

"Link," said KORL, "Are you okay?"

"No, I am not okay, you fucking pile of splinters!" snapped Link, "I almost got raped by the King of Evil. Oh, and so much for the Master Sword being the key to saving the world! It made Ganon stronger! I could have died thanks to you!"

"I took you to the Forsaken Fortress to rescue your sister," began KORL, "I didn't say anything about going upstairs to fight Ganondorf. If you could just liste to me for once..."

Link was fast asleep.

"Aw fuck it," said KORL, "We have bigger issues."

"Yeah," said Komali, "That bastard owes me for threatening me at gunpoint, that sick son of a bitch!"

"Well," said KORL, "Next time someone asks you for a mythical item that is used to save the world, give it up immediately!"

"Whatever," said Komali, "I'm just stoped about my new wings! They're even better than learning how to drive! WOOOOOOO!"

Komali flew around the outer area of the tower of the gods before crashing into one of the stone pillars and passing out.

"Oh," said Quill, "The poor boy is still adjusting...Speaking of which, I have to return home and adjust my eye shadow. The Great Valoo's fire totally melted the make-up and now I look like a crack-whore! Ta-ta, and good luck!"

"Bye and thanks for all your help!" shouted KORL as the two Ritos flew off into the distance.

"They're gone?" asked Link, waking up from his nap.

"Yup," replied KORL.

"Was that Dudley the Dragon that burned down Ganon's place?"

"No, it was Valoo," replied KORL, "Dudley is a fictional character."

"Aw, too bad. I would have liked to have met the big guy. He was a hero of my childhood."

"Yeah, yeah, that's good and all, but I need you to wake up Tetra."

"Bitch, get up!" ordered Link. He then kicked her in the side.

"Ow," said Tetra, "The fuck is your problem?"

"KORL has something to show us!" replied Link.

"We shall return to the world under the sea," replied KORL.

"Is he joking?" asked Tetra.

"Look at him," said Link, "Does he look like he jokes around?"

"He's a boat..."

"Whatever. Let's go down!"

KORL began to dive underwater. Within minutes, they were at Hyrule once again.

"Now," said KORL, as Link and Tetra stepped off the boat, "Link will take you down into the secret room. Just follow him and he will know where to go."

"Just great," said Tetra.

"Shaddup," said Link, "I know what I'm doing. Now, help me find my keychain. I think I dropped it into the water the last time I came here..."

"Will you just take me into the Castle, you stupid brainhead?"

"That's about the smartest thing I've heard all day. Alright, let's go!"

Link lead Tetra into the castle. Suddenly, a voice came from Link's charm.

"Whaddya want?" said Link.

"Don't forget," said the voice, "To open the passage, press the switch..."

"Hey," snapped Tetra, "Who is this, and why are you using my charm? Do you realize my long distance bill is going to be through the roof?"

"Come down and you'll see who I am," replied the voice.

Link activated the switch and opened the statue. The two climbed into the basement. Everything was the same as before, only now there was a man standing in the middle of the room.

"Who are you?" asked Tetra, "Are you the man using my Pirate's Charm? Cause if you are..."

"Maybe it's time," said the man, "To invest in a cell phone..."

The man then turned around. He was tall and fat, and he had a large, white beard and a red coat. (No, he was not Santa Claus) On his head sat a gold crown.

Tetra and Link immediately kneeled before him.

"Your heinie," began Link.

"Your highness," corrected the King.

"Listen, your heinous," continued Link, "Please excuse my friend, she's a total bitch...Hey, wait a minute! We don't have a king! We are a democratic (And partially naziist) state! What gives?"

"Link," said the King, "Do you not recognize my voice?"

"Father? Is that you? After all these years..."

"No!" said the King, "We're saving that twist for a future _Zelda _game."

"Oh," said Link, "Well, in that case, you sound like my boat."

"Exactly," said the King, "It is I, King Of Red Lions in full human form. You can now call me Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, King of Hyrule! I waited until the time was right to reveal my true identity!"

"Pretty cool," said Link, "How exactly did you transform?"

"Magic," replied Daphnes.

"Sweet! I love magic! Can you show me a trick?"

The King sighed and held out a bunch of cards, "Pick a card."

Link grabbed a random card from the deck.

"Do not show me," said Daphnes, "In fact, put it in your pocket."

The king then backed off and tossed all the cards into the air. As they came back down, they all exploded except for one, which he caught.

"Is this your card?" asked the king, as he held it up.

"Yeah, but how is that possible?"

Link reached into his pocket and pulled out a turd.

"Real mature," said Link.

"Excuse me," said Tetra, "Sorry to interrupt your little magic show, but there's something I need to know. Why did Ganondorf refer to me as Princess Zelda?"

"Because you are Princess Zelda," replied Daphnes.

"Wow, that was helpful," said Tetra.

"Once upon a time, Hyrule was a peaceful land. But one day, one of the king's servants, Ganondorf, was caught sexually molesting little girls and boys around the palace."

"That sicko!" snapped Link.

"He was eventually caught, and sentenced to jail for 2 whole days."

"2 days? Wow, that's more than what most pedophiles get nowadays!"

"Exactly. After his release, he was pissed and went on a rampage across the land, turning it into darkness. His true goal, however, was to find Zelda and totally rape her. Alas, the King of Evil was eventually defeated by a young boy clothed in green. Peace was restored to the land. Unfortunately, Ganon returned, and the little boy in green was gone."

"Where did he go?" asked Tetra.

"I don't know," said Daphnes, "But there are many blogs on the internet you can read that have all kinds of theories. Anyways, as I was saying, the boy was gone, and without any other option, I struck a deal with the gods, allowing them to sink Hyrule to the bottom of the ocean, killing millions of people in the process, in the hopes that Ganon would never strike again. A select few would go on to start a new life on the mountains. In case you didn't realize, those mountains are now the 'islands' that you people live on."

"I see," said Link, "But Ganondorf is back, and we are still just a handful of people living on mountains...Aren't we worse off now than we were before?"

"You're right," said Daphnes, "We fucked up big time. But we were under a lot of media pressure at the time to get the job done, and I was late for aunt's birthday, so I needed a fast solution and that was all I could think of."

"Was your aunt's birthday good at least?" asked Link.

"She died in the flood."

"Sorry, guys," interrupted Tetra, "But what does all this have to do with me?"

"You may be a pirate, but you actually come from a long line of royalty. You are the reincarnation of the former Princess of Hyrule!"

Tetra, um, I mean Zelda simply stared in shock.

"Yeah," said Link, "I think she's had enough shock for today, what with all the stories of drowing and rape. You should turn back into boat, or better still, a jet fighter, and we should be on our way..."

"Do not be hasty, Link," said the king, "Zelda show me your necklace."

Zelda pulled out her necklace, which was a small, golden triangle and held it up to the king. The king pulled a small triangle of his own. The two pieces fused together and there was a large beam of light. Tetra was instantly transformed from the ugly ragamuffin she was into a beautiful princess.

"Wow," said Link, "That's the kind of crazy shit you usually see in animes...Woah!"

Link stared at Zelda's new beautiful outfit and whistled.

"A-Ooga! A-Ooga!" said Link, "You suddenly turned smokin' hot! This is great, cause I was getting fed up of staring at your ugly face!"

"Shut up, Link!" snapped Daphnes, "You're killing the mood."

Zelda examined her new outfit and hairstyle.

"I...I..." began Zelda.

"I know it is a lot to handle," began Daphnes, "But we must protect you from Ganondorf at all costs, for if he catches you, he will not only rape and kill you, but he will use you to ressurect the forgotten kingdom of Hyrule continue his original master plan!"

"Oh well," said Link.

"And you, Link," said the king, "I am so sorry you got caught up in these events. But now that you're here, you better finish the job and save the world, or so help you!"

"Geez, alright!" said Link, "Well, we better get going then."

"You and I will go," said Daphnes, "Zelda must stay here, where it's safe."

"But," began Zelda.

"Seriously," said Link, "Do what the old man says."

"Shut the fuck up, you cock-sucking loser!"

"Hey! That's no way for a princess to talk, you ass-licking whore! Now where the hell did the Daph man go?"

"He must have teleported outta here."

"Well, then...See ya!"

"Wait!" called Zelda, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for everything that's happened. It's all my fault."

"You better believe it," said Link.

"I wish there was some way I can make it up to you..."

"Actually, there is."

Link leaned towards Zelda, as if to give her a kiss. Suddenly, he grabbed her boob.

"Honk! Honk!" said Link.

Zelda slapped Link out.

Link ran out of the room, laughing and clutching his aching cheek.

"Bastard!" she muttered


	12. Pimp My Sword

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 12:**

Link and Daphnes (who was now back in boat form), were once again sailing the seas, searching for their next destination.

"Couldn't you have transformed into a tank or something?" asked Link.

"How many tanks do you know of run on water?" asked KORL.

"I'm just saying," said Link, "Be a little creative next time. So, where are we off to?"

"In order to defeat Ganondorf, we must power up your Master Sword and restore it to its former glory. Now it is too weak, but once we complete the ancient ritual, the sword will powerful enough again to defeat Ganon!"

"And how are we gonna do that?"

"We'll start by heading there," replied KORL.

Off in the distance was a huge cyclone.

"Motherfucker..." began Link.

Within seconds, the two were swept up by the cyclone and sent spinning around violently. The next thing he knew, Link was in what appeared to be small pond surrounded by huge rock walls. There was small forst surrounding the pond.

"Woah," said Link, "How did we get here?"

"Magic," replied KORL.

"Is that your answer to everything?" asked Link, "And how come this place reminds me of that fairy fountain I went to before?"

"Because, little one," said a voice, "It is a fairy fountain!"

"Link looked up and saw a ghostly figure appear right on top of him. She looked like small child and she was carrying a doll that resembled a Great Fairy.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Link, "It's the Ghost of Christmas Past! I'm really sorry! I promise I will repent for all my misdeeds...shortly after I finish this joint."

Link pulled out a joint and inhaled.

The little girl chuckled, "No silly, I'm not a ghost. I am the Queen of fairies, and I am in charge of all the fairy fountains of the Great Sea. I am on your side."

"Yeah," began Link, "That's what they all say. Hey, wait a minute! If you're a Queen, how come you're just a little girl?"

"Though I may appear young, I am actually over 10 000 years old!"

"Damn!" said KORL, "You gotta give me the name of your plastic surgeon!"

"Shut up, boat-face," said Link, "Now, my idiot friend here sent me to this cesspool for a reason. Do you have anything for me?"

"I shall give you an arrow uprgade," replied the Queen of Fairies, blowing some rotten flower pedals into Link, "Now, you can shoot fire and ice arrows!"

"What's the point?" asked Link.

"Use your imagination," replied the Queen, "Oh, and I have something else!"

The Queen then whistled. All of a sudden, a group of men appeared.

"Who are these guys?" asked Link.

"My name's Beedle," replied one of the men, "And these are my boys from _Great Sea Customs_! We about to pimp your sword!"

"Pimp my sword?" asked Link.

"Yeah, man!" said Beedle, "If you wanna beat that shithead, Ganondorf, we gotta make sure your sword is at 110 percent!"

"Sweet!" said Link, "I can handle that!"

"Just give us a couple of hours." said Beedle.

--

And so they began to work. Each man was assigned to a particular task:

**Task 1:**

"This is my homie, Cannon," said Beedle, "He's currently working on...Wait, what are you working on exactly?"

"Beats the hell outta me," said Cannon.

Cannon then put on a steel mask and began to weld the sword.

**Task 2:**

"My name's Carlov," said Carlov, "And I'm sculpting a new handle for the sword!"

"Can I see?" asked Beedle.

"Here," said Carlov, holding up the sword, "Check it out. I sharpened the handle so that's it just as sharp as the blade!"

"What's the point?" asked Beedle.

"Now, he can stab people with both ends!"

"Yeah, but won't he hurt his hand?"

"Damn! Back to the drawing board!"

**Task 3:**

"Ho-Ho's the name," said Old Man Ho-Ho, "And I just finished painting this motherfucker!"

"And I'm Manny," said Manny, "I'm in charge of accessories. Check out the fuzzy dice hanging from the bottom of the hilt."

"Pfffft..." said Ho-Ho, "How original! The lightning bolt design I did on the blade is way sweeter than fucking dice!

"Oh yeah? Then how about the ear-busting stereo system I installed into the cross-guard? Music on the go, baby!"

"Still not impressed..." yawned Ho-Ho.

"Well then, you're gonna like this! I installed a widescreen T.V. _and_ a PS3 into the edge of the blade!"

"And you waited that long to tell me? Break out the controllers, man! Let's go!"

Manny and Ho-Ho then plugged 2 controllers into the sword and began playing Playstation 3 through a small T.V screen on the blade.

**Task 4:**

"Of course," said Beedle, "The most important task of all is to have the two sages, Medli and Makar, say their prayers in order to reawaken the sword's energy."

"Now," said Medli, "We're gonna play the song together, just like we rehearsed. Got it?"

"Yup!" said Makar.

Medli began playing on her harp, while Makar played on his violin. The sword began glowing.

"You're not playing fast enough!" snapped Medli, "Keep up with me, you little shit!"

"I'm playing as fast as I can!" said Makar, "I think you need to slow down."

Makar began playing so fast, that he did not know what he was doing anymore and began playing nonsense. He then accidentally jabbed Medli in the eye with his violin bow.

"OW!" screamed Medli, clutching her bloody face, "I'm gonna kill you, you piece of crap!"

"EEP!" Makar began to run.

**The Reveal:**

"Well," said Beedle, "We're done, and it's time for the big reveal!"

Beedle then lead Link into the place while covering his eyes with his hand.

"You better have washed this hand before you came here," warned Link.

"Almost there," said Beedle, ignoring Link's threat, "Here it is!"

Beedle then removed his hand from Link's eyes. Ho-Ho held up the sword to Link.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! " shouted Link, jumping up and down, "It's fucking awesome! I can't believe it!"

"Check out the paint job!" said Ho-Ho.

"This is amazing!" said Link, who then jumped on Beedle's face and began kissing him, "I love you guys so much!"

"Ew," said Beedle, "Yeah, time to get off now!"

"Hey!" shouted KORL, who was in the background, "How about pimping me now?"

"Shaddup, you red piece of shit!" said Link.

"Awwww..."

"Test it out!" said Beedle.

Link grabbed the sword and began randomly swinging it around. He then accidentally chopped Makar up in the process.

"Whoops!" said Link, "Heh heh...He looks like a chopped salad."

"That's not funny!" said Medli, "He was your ally! And speaking of which, you still owe me for leaving me behind..."

Link then chopped her head off.

"Wow," said Link, "This thing really works!"

"Well," said Beedle, "That's all for today; it looks like my job here is done. If you ever have a problem with your sword, just call _Great Sea Customs_ and you never know...We might come over to pimp your sword as well See ya!"

_**Disclaimer: **"Pimp My Sword" is a Registered Trademark of HTV (Hylian Television). We are in no way affiliated with "Pimp My Boat," "Pimp My Tool Shed," "Pimp My Pig," "Pimp Your Mother," or any other knock-off reality television program bearing a similar title. "Pimp My Sword" is open only to residents of the Great Sea, specifically, those from: Outset, Windfall, Angular Isles, Dragon Roost, Tingle Island, Forsaken Fortress, and Your Mother's House (lol). Swords that cannot be pimped include, but are not limited to: Rapiers, longswords, short swords, broadswords, katanas, daos, zweihanders, and light sabers. "Pimp my Sword" is not responsible for any injuries sustained by the wielder (or by anyone near the wielder) from practicing the newly pimped sword, or from any one of the installments added to the sword. There is a 66.8 percent chance your newly pimped sword will not even last a day, or that it will come out of our show in worse condition than it was in before._

--

"So," said the Queen of Fairies, "How do you like it?"

"Where did everybody go?" asked Link, "And how did I end up back in this swamp so fast? Whatever...I really enjoy the new sword. I can't wait to stab Ganon in the gut with this baby!"

"That's great, little one," said the Queen, "Now, you must head out there and do us proud!"

"Call me little one again," said Link, "And I'll slit your throat, bitch!"

"Tee-hee," giggled the Queen, "You're so cute...I like you."

"Grow yourself a set of tits and a nice ass, and then we'll talk!"

"Goodbye, Link!"

The Queen then suddenly vanished, and Link and KORL found themselves teleported outside the island's boundaries.

"Awesome," said Link, "Now we can go find Ganon and kick his ass, and I'll be home just in time for Aryll's weekly beating."

"Actually, no," said KORL, "First we gotta find the shards of your triforce of courage. We need it to get back to Hyrule, and to make sure Ganon doesn't get his filthy child-molesting hands on it."

"Grrr..." said Link, "There's always something else I have to do. It can never be smooth sailing."

"Afraid so," said KORL.

"Do you know where I can find the shards?" asked Link.

"You need a triforce chart," said KORL.

"And where do I find that?" asked Link.

"Bope," replied KORL.

"Did somebody say chart?" said a voice.

"Aw," said Link, rubbing his head, "Fuck my life."

The members of Salvage Corps, having survived their shipwreck, approached Link in a rowboat.

"Whatever you losers want to sell, I'm not interested," said Link.

"Really?" asked the leader, who was holding a rolled-up map, "Cause we overheard you talking about triump forks, and..."

"Triforce," corrected Link.

"Yes, well, we found this chart while we were at the Islet of Steel, and it sounds to me like you really need it!"

"Gimme gimme gimme gimme!" said Link, reaching to grab it.

"Not so fast," said the leader, "You owe us for that boat you destroyed!"

"Fine," said Link, "I'll give you all the rupees you want. Just name the price!"

Another member of Salvage Corp, who had glasses on (despite the fact that he was wearing a diving helmet), began punching in calculations on a calculator.

"With repair costs, hospital bills and the cost of this replacement rowboat," began the man, "The price comes out to exactly 173534252638 rupees!"

"What?" Fuck no!" yelled Link.

"Then too bad," said the leader, "No map for you."

The men then rowed away.

"Where the fuck am I going to get that kind of money?" asked Link.

"We can try Windfall," suggested KORL, "There's always some way to make money there. And if not, we'll just got o various islands and chop up pots and grass and see what we find."

"Alrighty then," announced Link, "To Windfall it is!"


	13. Enter the Other Tower of Stupidity!

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 13:**

As usual, by the time Link got to Windfall, it was nighttime.

"Fack," said Link, "Night again! Can't I catch a break?"

"Listen," said KORL, "Hurry up and get the money. We need the chart as quickly as possible."

"Don't worry, I know just where to look!" And with that, Link got off of the boat and ran into town.

As Link made his way to Zunari's stall, he walked by a small girl in tattered rags.

"Hey, baby," said Link, "How much you go for?"

"I'm not a hooker," said the girl, "Leave me alone!"

"What the hell are you doing out here then?" asked Link, "Wait a minute! Aren't you that girl from the Forsaken Fortress, Mila?"

"Yes, now go away! Shoo!"

"Hey! I deserve at least a thank you."

"Buzz off, kid! I'm busy!"

Mila then ran off.

"Bitch..." muttered Link, "Hmmm...I wonder where she's off to."

Link followed closely behind as Mila ran down the street. She lead Link all around Windfall Island. Occasionally, she would stop and look around to make sure that no one was following her, forcing Link to hide behind something, as he did not want to blow his cover.

"Oooh," said Link, "I'm like a blonde James Bond. Wait, there is a blonde James Bond..."

Mila then ran under the town gate and turned the corner.

"Let's see what you're up to..." said Link, as he turned the corner as well.

When Link made it to the other side, he found Mila staring straight at him.

"Oh, boy..." thought Link, "I'm screwed now."

The two stared awkardly at each other for a few seconds.

"Meow," said Link all of a sudden.

"Oh," said Mila, "It's just a cat."

Mila then continued to run.

"Heh heh," chuckled Link, "Dumb blonde."

Link followed her until she arrived at Zunari's stall, where she stopped. From far away, Link could see that she was trying to unlock Zunari's safe.

"That little whore," thought Link, "That was my plan! How dare she take what I was supposed to take! She's gonna pay!"

Link ran up to the stall and approached the girl.

"Halt!" ordered Link, "In the name of the law!"

"Holy crap!" said Mila, jumping up, "You startled me! Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I am a defender of justice," replied Link, "And I'm here to take you down for attempted robbery...And for stealing my heart." Link then winked.

"Ew," said Mila, "If you have nothing interesting to say, get out of my way, and let me steal. My family's become poor ever since I was rescued from the Forsaken Fortress after my daddy blew all his money trying to find me."

"And now you're stealing to make ends meet?" asked Link.

"Duh!"

"Mila," said Link calmly, as he approached her, "I know life is tough now, but you'll adjust. Don't give up, Mila! Stealing is never the answer."

Tears welled up in Mila's eyes.

"That was so beautiful," said Mila, "I promise never to steal again!"

"Good," said Link, "Now, move out of the way!"

Link pushed Mila aside and bent down.

"Sweet," said Link as he played with the lock, "You almost got it open!"

"But what about what you just said?"

"Fuck what I just said! I need some dough, fast! The fate of the world is at stake..."

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" shouted a voice.

Link and Mila turned around and saw Zunari, the shopkeeper, pointing a huge shotgun at them.

"Get out of my store!" he ordered.

"Oh boy," said Link, "Quick, Mila, come here! I need you as a human shield!"

"Fuck off, elf boy!" said Mila.

Zunari began firing his gun. Link immediately dove over the counter and landed on the street. Mila was not as quick to react, however, and got her head blown off by the shotgun. Chunks of her brain splattered all over Link, who was now outside the stall.

"Gross!" said Link.

"Get back here, you rascal!" shouted Zunari.

The shopkeeper chased Link down the street with his shotgun. Link was too fast, however, and Zunari eventually gave up.

"Phew," said Link "That was close. Hey, what's this? Salvatore's game shop? I might be able to make some money in here..."

Link entered the shop.

"Welcome to Salvatore's shop," said Salvatore, in his low, monotone voice, "Now open extra late, so you can have fun all night long. _Yawn_."

"Great," said Link, "How much for a game?"

"10 rupees," replied Sal.

"This better be worth it," said Link, placing the money on the counter.

"Do you want me to explain the rules?" asked Sal.

"No, I'm fine," replied Link, "Just give me the damn cannon!"

Sal placed a small, handheld cannon on the counter, which Link grabbed. link's goal was to randomly shoot at the target board to uncover Giant Octos.

"Ready?" said Sal, "Go!"

Link fired once.

"Sploosh!" said Sal, poorly imitating the sound a cannonball makes when it hits the water.

Link fired again.

"Sploosh!"

Link fired again.

"Sploosh!"

"Fuck this shit," said Link, who then pointed the cannon at Sal's head.

Before Sal could do anything, Link fired, sending a couple of hard, rubber balls into Sal's head and knocking him out cold.

"Kaboom," said Link.

Link then opened Sal's cash register and took all the rupees that were inside.

"That should be more than enough," chuckled Link.

--

Link returned to the Mother and Child Isles, where the men from Salvage Corp. were waiting.

"You got the cash?" asked the leader.

"Yeah," replied Link, "Though in order to get it, I had to do things I'm not proud of. Aw, who am I kidding? Everything I do fills me with pride!"

"Whatever, just fork over the dough!"

Link tossed a bag of money over to Salvage Corp. They then handed Link a map.

"Hey," said Link, "What the fuck is all this gibberish?"

"Yeah," said the leader, "We kinda forgot to mention that the chart is written in ancient Hylian. But I'm sure there's someone who can translate it for you!"

"Well, you guys better do it."

"We're not qualified...Besides, we gotta go buy ourselves a new boat! See ya!"

"Bye," said the other guys.

As Salvage Corp sailed away, Link stared at the map for a few seconds.

"Now what?" asked KORL.

"I don't know," said Link, unzipping his pants, "But I gotta tinkle...Wait, that's it!"

"What?"

_"Remember, if you ever need help with a map..."_

"Tingle!" said Link, "He might be able to figure out this map!"

"Okay, where does he live?" asked KORL.

Link pulled out the crayon drawing that Tingle had given.

"Quadrant C-3," said Link.

--

Link didn't have to travel very far to find Tingle Island. It was also easy to spot, since there was a huge, totem pole-like tower sticking out of the centre of the island. The island itself was covered in trash and the lawn was poorly maintained.

"Looking at this place just makes me wanna puke," thought Link, "I better get this thing deciphered fast and get out of here!"

Link approached the tower and grabbed onto the ladder and began to climb.

"Hello?" said Link, when he reached the top.

Link looked around. There were two guys pushing a giant steel bar around in circles (Causing the conicular roof above to spin). Tingle sat in a small chair at the other end as another man shined his shoes. Everyone in the tower were wearing tight jumpsuits of various colours. Link shuddered as he entered the tower.

"Link!" said Tingle, "How nice to see you again! I can't believe you actually came to visit me!"

"Well," said Link, "I kinda need you."

"Want something to drink? Milk? Tea? Coffee? Juice? Tobasco?"

"Erm," said Link, "No thanks."

"Knuckle," said Tingle, "Get me some tobasco!"

The man who was shining Tingle's shoes approached a tiny fridge and grabbed a bottle, which he gave to Tingle. Tingle downed half the bottle in one shot.

"Yummy," said Tingle, "That's my brother, Knuckle. That guy on spin duty is my other bro, Ankle, and his partner is..."

"David," replied the man, "David Jr. I washed up on this island a couple of months ago, and now I pray for death everyday."

"Lovely," said Link, "What exactly is this place?"

"I built it..." began Knuckle.

"My brother built it," interrupted Tingle, "Well, he carved it out of an old tree trunk. Nice, eh?"

"Not really," said Link.

"100 percent real redwood," continued Tingle, "Of course, it's highly flammable, so we gotta keep the roof spinning so that the sun doesn't burn it up."

"Yeah," said Link, "Listen, would you mind deciphering this old chart for me?"

"That's my specialty," said Tingle, "Let me see!"

Link handed Tingle the map.

"Ya! Woo! Kooloo-Limpah! Become readable!" Tingle tossed the map into the air and caught it.

Link just stared at Tingle.

"Um," said Tingle, "I'll get to work."

Tingle approached a desk and opened the map. After a couple of hours, Tingle had fully translated the map.

"Thank God I have mastery of the ancient tongue," said Tingle, "Anyways, the triforce you are looking for was broken into many little pieces and scattered all over the sea. On this paper, I wrote the list of coordinates you can find the shards at."

"Thanks a bunch," said Link.

"Hold on," said Tingle, "All this deciphering comes with a price."

"That's how he always gets you," said David Jr.

"Quiet, slave boy!" snapped Tingle, "And keep spinning!"

David Jr. sighed and continued his job.

"Here," said Link handing over what was leftover of the money that he stole from Salvatore.

"That's not quite enough..."

"Then, um, how about this?"

Link grabbed several fire arrows from his quiver.

"I got plenty of arrows," said Tingle.

"Yeah, but these are _Fire _arrows. They're much cooler!"

"Okay, we have a deal!"

Tingle handed the piece of paper to Link as Link handed the arrows and the money to Tingle. Link then left the tower.

"Bye, Link!" shouted Tingle, "Good luck!"

Tingle then dropped one of the fire arrows.

"Whoops!" said Tingle.

All of a sudden, the wooden floor began to burn. Tingle and the others tried desparetely to put out the fire, but it spread very fast.

"Fuck!" screamed tingle, "Oh my God! We're gonna die!"

"Help!" screamed Ankle and Knuckle.

"At last," said David Jr.

Within seconds, the entire tower was on fire.

"Do you smell something burning?" asked KORL, as he sailed away from the island.

"Nope," said Link, "Then again, I can't smell anything anymore after all the blow I've done!"

"Cool," said KORL, "Let's go find those triforce shards so we can go back to Hyrule!"


	14. Singing in the Rain

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 14**

Link had now reached the location of the eigth and final Triforce shard needed to complete his Triforce of courage. By this point, you could imagine how exhausted and fed up Link was.

"I'm so exhausted and fed up!" said Link, "This better be the last shard."

"It is," said KORL, "And please hurry and pull it up so we can finally go defeat Ganon."

"I know," said Link, "It feels like this story has been going on forever. Yo, can't you hurry up a bit?"

Nah, I'd rather take my time.

"Fucking bastard. One of these days, I'm gonna write my own story, and there's gonna be lots of action and nudity, as well as cute little bunnies and shit, and I'm gonna finish it in like, 2 days."

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Now if we can please get on with the story...Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you guys stop breaking the fourth wall. It's very expensive to rebuild. Got it?

"Yeah, alright," said Link, "Let's haul this shit up!"

The large crane dove into the water and felt around for a bit before bumping into something. Link turned the crank on the side of the crane, causing the rope to reel in. A large chest emerged and Link quickly opened it.

"Woo-hoo!" said Link, "The last shard! I did it! I did it!"

"You mean _we _did it," added KORL.

"Nah, I like the sound of 'I' better. Now, what do we do?"

"We return...To the Tower of the Gods!"

"Surely, there must be a faster way to get there. I'm fed up of sailing!"

"There is..." KORL smiled deviously.

"Oh no!" said Link "Listen, nevermind! I don't mind sailing!"

But before Link could say anymore, KORL began sailing at high speed into another nearby cyclone.

"You son of a...WOOOOOAAAAAHHHH!"

The two were swept up and flew straight towards the Tower. KORL landed in the water just outside the tower. Link, on the other hand, flew straight into one of the pillars surrounding the tower.

"Why me?" said Link, as he slowly fell into the water.

KORL picked Link up and brought him just outside the entrance.

"Now," began KORL, "Hold the eight shards up in the air."

Link did as he was told. The shards began to glow and hover around his hands. Suddenly, they pieced themselves together like a puzzle and formed a small triangle.

"Cool," said Link.

Suddenly that small triangle flew right into Link's hand. Link almost flew back due to the force. When Link looked at the back of his hand, he saw that the shard had imprinted itself there.

"The fuck is this?" demanded Link.

"I can't believe this!" said KORL.

"Neither can I," said Link, "I always wondered what it felt like to get inked...Doesn't hurt as much as some people say."

"No, not that," said KORL, "This means that you are the chosen one. If your ancestor was the Hero of Time, then you are the Hero of Winds. The Gods have selected you to fulfill your destiny and carry on the work of the original hero."

"It's great being a hero and all," said Link, "But that wouldn't stop my Grandma from killing me if she ever found out I got myself a tattoo."

"Damnit," said KORL, "You don't realize how important this is!"

"I'm sorry," said Link, "This is way too much for my little 12-year old brain to handle."

"You're 13 now, Link."

"I am? For real?"

"Um, yeah. Didn't it ever occur to you that all that travelling we did couldn't have taken place in just a few days? We've been on the seas for at least a year and a half now."

"Damn," said Link, "Well, couldn't you at least have said something?"

"I wished you a happy birthday...I even baked you a cake. You were so fucking wasted that day, you don't even remember eating it!"

"That's right," said Link, "I do get drunk a lot. Oh well, forget about it. Let's just go to Hyrule again!"

"Open sesame!" said KORL, and the small ring of light opened up in the water, just like last time.

"That's the secret code?" asked Link.

"Nah," replied KORL, "I just felt like saying it."

KORL and Link entered the ring of light, once again transporting them to the world below.

"Listen," said KORL, as Link stepped onto the land, "I just wanna wish you luck. I might meet up with you later to provide some helpful tips and stuff, but for now, you're on your own."

"Don't worry," said Link, "I'll survive, save the princess, kill that fat bastard and make it back in time for lunch."

"It's already 5 pm," said KORL, "Unless you're referring to tomorrow's lunch..."

"It's just an expression, you dumb fuck."

Link ran into the castle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link entered, only to find the place in ruins. Things were smashed and structures were falling apart. it looked like an army had ripped through.

"Damn," muttered Link, "It's just what I feared!"

Link ran up to the fallen Link statue and hugged it.

"Don't worry, handsome," said Link, crying, "I'll do anything I can to save you! Don't die on me! Don't die on me!"

Link tried to lift it up, but ended up spraining his back.

"Ow!" screamed Link, "Damnit! It's no use. Ganon! You'll pay for what you...Fuck! I almost forgot Princess Zelda!"

Link ran to the now-exposed opening into the basement. There, he saw Zelda standing in the middle of the room where he left her.

"Tetra," said Link, "Um, I mean, Zelda..."

She said nothing. Link approached her.

"Zelda...Listen, I'm sorry for grabbing your boob earlier. It's just my way of saying goodbye. We really have to go before..."

Suddenly, the princess turned around and exploded into light.

"Holy shit!" said Link.

"Bwa ha ha ha!" laughed an evil voice.

"Damn, you Ganon!" snapped Link, "You let her go!"

"I don't think so. Now that I have her triforce of wisdom and my triforce of power, I am just one step away from completing my diabolical plan!"

"It may be too late to save Zelda, but you're never gonna get my Triforce of Courage, you bastard!"

"It's not too late to save her...I'm not planning on killing her until she hits puberty and becomes unattractive to me!"

"Really?" said Link, "Well, that certainly takes off some of the stress from this mission!"

"Well then," chuckled Ganon, "Allow me to retun that stress to you!"

At that moment, a wall of fire suddenly appeared around the area. Two Mighty Darknuts dropped from the ceiling.

"Let's do this..."

_Can Link survive the attack? Will Link be able to rescue Zelda before she hits puberty? Will King of Red Lions ever turn into a human again like he did in Chapter 11? Find out next..._

"Hey!" snapped Link, "Fuck you! There's always a cliffhanger when it's getting to the good part. Let me complete my battle! I know I can take these guys!"

Link then readied his sword as the Darknuts approached him. All of a sudden, the large statue in the back brought its large stone sword down onto the Darknuts' heads, killing them instantly. Link just watched in shock. The flames surroudning the area soon died down.

"What the..."

"It is I," boomed a loud voice, "The guy who recited those prayers and gave you your Master Sword earlier. I see you are doing well."

"Like I said," began Link, "I could've taken those guys on."

"Well, I was doing you a favour."

"True. Is there anyway I can repay you, oh Great One?"

"Well, there is one thing. You can sit down and listen as I finish the prayers I was reciting before you so rudely interrupted me."

"Okay."

"_Blessed is he who sails the High Seas blowing the shit outta Big Octos. Blessed is he who..._"

Link was suddenly gone.

"Aw..." said the voice, "Nobody loves me, even when I do nice things."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Link found himself outside, running across the bridge that lead into the fields surrounding Hyrule Castle. Along the way he crashed into an invisible wall.

"Ow," said Link, "Wiping the blood from his nose. You don't see that everyday! (Get it, 'cause it's invisible! Ha!) Oh well, it's no match for my Master Sword! HIYA!"

Link swung his sword against the barrier, causing it to crack. Almost instantly, the wall began to shatter and come crashing down.

"Cool!" shouted Link, "Falling shards!"

Link began skipping across the bridge. As he did so, he swung his Master Sword around like it was a parasol.

_Singing in the Rain, just singing in the rain,_

_What a glorious..._

"AAAAHHHH!" screamed Link, "I think one of the shards went into my eye! FACK!"


	15. The Showdown Begins!

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 15:**

Link managed to survive the whole glass shard fiasco and made his way down the long path, slaughtering all those who got in his way including several bokoblins, peahats, moblins and a Mighty Darknut. The path ended in front of a large doorway.

"All right," said Link, "Here goes nothing."

Link burst through the door and looked around the large room. Link readied his sword in case of anything. There were two doors, one to the left and one to the right.

"Hello," called Link, "Anyone here?"

"Boo," said a voice.

"What'chu want?" asked Link.

Link turned around and saw the Phantom Ganon from the Forsaken Fortress.

"Remember me, you bastard?" asked PG.

"Damn, you just don't give up!" snapped Link.

Phantom Ganon suddenly picked Link up and hurled him into a wall.

"Ow," said Link, getting up, "That was unnecessary..."

PG then flew into Link at full force sending the Hero of Winds, sending him flying into yet another wall.

"That's it," said Link, getting up once more, "I'm fed up of this shit!"

"What are you gonna do about it?" asked PG, "Oh, I know! Let's fight..."

"Bring it on, Ghost-Boy!" said Link.

"Time to finish what I didn't even start," said PG.

PG said a chant, causing a large purple orb to form over his head. Suddenly, it exploded, sending blasts of energy all around the room, which Link managed to avoid.

"Grrrr..." said PG.

"PG charged at Link, but Link managed to side-step it. PG turned and came right back. Link held up his shield to block. The shock, however, still sent Link flying backwards.

"Prepare to die!" laughed PG as he fired a small blue orb at Link.

Link quickly stood up and swung his sword, deflecting the blue orb. PG knocked it right back. The orb flew back and forth between the two until PG finally got dizzy and missed, causing the orb to hit him and knock him down.

"Finally," said Link.

Link ran up to PG and slashed him with his sword, causing him to disappear.

"Whew," said Link, "It's over..."

PG's sword suddenly flew into the air pointed itself to the large door at the left side of the room.

"So that's where I have to go, huh?" said Link, "Perfect."

Link then ran to the door to the left and entered.

"Alright," said Link.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" said a voice.

"What the?" said Link, "But you're dead!"

"No," said PG, "For you see I am immortal!"

"Aw, come on!" said Link, "I don't wanna go through that again! Playing tennis with your balls is just annoying. (Wow, that came out wrong!)"

"Remember, you need my sword to point you the way, remember?"

"I guess," said Link, "But it's probably easier if I just pull out this _Legend of Zelda _strategy guide and flip to page 102...Ah, yes! Here we go!"

Link then ran through the door to the right. Link followed the guide the rest of the way, going through each door it told him to. PG chased Link through each room, but Link simply ignored him. Eventually, Link reached a dead end.

"Hmmm..." said Link, looking around the room. There was a small chest in the middle. "The prize at the end of the tunnel!"

Link opened it. As he did so, PG appeared behind him.

"DIE!" he screamed.

PG slammed his sword down on Link, who managed to roll out of the way in the nick of time. The chest broke in two pieces and the prize inside was now lying on the floor.

"Sweet!" said Link, "Arrows! They're mine!"

Link dodged PG's blows and successfully grabbed the arrows. Link quickly loaded his bow while PG charged up a deadly blast.

"Eat light, biatch!" shouted Link.

Link fired the arrow straight at Phantom Ganon, obliterating him instantly.

"NOOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!"

"Well," said Link, "It is, so deal with it, fuckhead."

Phantom Ganon vanished right before Link's eyes, this time, forever. The room suddenly began to spin and Link passed out. He awoke shortly afterwards in the very first room he was in before.

"What now?" asked Link.

Link entered the door on his right, which lead him to a small, dimly lit room with a pool of water in the middle.

"Hello?" said Link, "Hello?"

"Greetings," said a shadowy figure standing in the pool.

"Eep!" squealed Link, "Who are you? What do you want?"

The figure emerged from the shadows and approached Link. It was King of Red Lions.

"Damnit, fucktard!" said Link, "The fuck are you doing here, and why are you talking like that?"

"Scared you didn't I?" chuckled KORL, "You should have heard yourself! You squealed like a girl!"

"Yeah, whatever. What's the story?"

"I found a way in! Neat, huh? Now, I can chill out over here in the castle while you complete your mission."

"Hmmm...Cobwebs, spiders, bats, dirty shit-infested water, and a fucked up black ghost who refuses to die? Yeah, it's a great place to chill, I guess."

"Well, we wouldn't be here if you had made it back to the castle on time and rescued Zelda like we were supposed to. We could have had an epic battle with Ganon in Hyrule Castle, all three of us, but noooooo...You had to waste all your time and arrive here late. Now, Zelda's kidnapped and in danger and we're stuck in this hellhole until Ganon's defeated."

"Stop blaming everything on me, you Lionfuck! You're the boat, it's up to you to hurry the fuck up!"

"Whatever, I'm sorry," said KORL, "I just wanted to say be brave and stay strong no matter what happens. There's only a short way left, but it's difficult."

"I don't know if I can do it," said Link, "I mean the last encounter I had with Ganon was terrible. He totally kicked my ass and he nearly raped me. I'm not sure if I can go through with that again."

"You can do it this time," assured KORL, "You got your sword all pimped out. And you're a much better warrior now! Besides, your ancestors have done it many times in the past. They've all had to face difficulties, but they always overcame them. You'll be fine."

"Thanks, KORL," said Link, "I know it always seems like I hate you and stuff, but you should know that you're such a good friend and I appreciate your help."

"That's good to hear," said KORL, "I have one last thing to give you..."

"What?" asked Link.

"Your windwaker," replied KORL, "Take it out."

Link did as he was told.

"Remember this song: Right, centre, down, right, centre, down. It's important."

"What song is it?"

"The song of time. Your ancestor used it. You can go back to any time period you want and fix something. You know, like a second chance. Use it only when you're in extreme danger and there's nothing else you can do. Probably the most useful song you'll ever learn. But there's a catch!"

"There's always a catch..."

"It can only be used once, and then the magic wears off, so use it wisely, okay?"

"Alright. By the way, where do I go next? It seems like I'm at a dead end."

"Pick up Phantom Ganon's sword that he dropped earlier and hurl it at the wall. You have the strategy guide don't you? You should know!"

"True," said Link, "Here, you keep it. Reading material while you wait."

Link tossed the magazine at KORL.

Link ran out the room.

"Great," said KORL, "He finally gives me reading material....WHEN OUR ADVENTURE IS ALMOST OVER!!!"

Link walked back out and picked up PG's sword from their earlier battle. With all his might, he hurled it at the opposite wall, causing it to break open and reveal a staircase. Link ran up the staircase, taking out swarms of miniblins, and later Moblins. At the top, he was greeted by two Darknuts. Link rolled away as both slammed their swords down. Link them jumped up and knocked on of their helmets off. As the Darknut ran up to Link, Link sliced the top of his head off, exposing his brains. The Darknut collapsed and died. As the other one came running, Link jumped onto the dead Darknut and bounced into the air. With a quick jab he pierced the Darknut's helmet and stabbed him in the face. Blood poured through the opening in the Darknut's helmet as he died.

"Once again," said Link, wiping the blood off his sword with his shirt, "I rock!"

Link then opened the door and ran inside.

"Alright, Ganon," announced Link, "I'm here to take out the trash!"

Link looked ahead and saw Zelda sleeping in a bed. Ganon was by her side.

"So glad you can make it boy," said Ganon, "I'm looking forward to reading you another bedtime story. I promise this time it will be _Puss in Boots_."

"I don't know if you read the previous chapter," began Link, "But I'm 13 now! HA!"

"13 is still young enough for my tastes, you fool," said Ganon.

"Aw, damn."

"I can read her dreams, you know," said Ganon.

"Oh really?" said Link.

"Yes," replied Ganon, "Oceans, oceans, oceans, oceans...As far as the eye can see."

"Please don't say oceans again...I think I have to piss!"

"This is what became of the big, beautiful land of Hyrule after its king made that dumb decision."

"I know. I've sailed with that guy for almost a year and a half, and trust me, he's dropped some real stinkers."

"Seriously, what did the King of Hyrule hope to accomplish when he turned to the gods? A small group of people scattered across a few pathetic islands? Don't you see? Your gods destroyed you!"

"Doesn't take a genius to figure that out."

"But with all three triforces returned, I can resurrect Hyrule and make it my own. And all the people on this land will be so grateful for what I have to done for them that they will forgive me and my pedophiliac ways. Soon, I can get away with whatever I want without having to be Michael Jackson! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"So that was your plan all along!"

"Um, yeah...Why? Were you expecting something else? Didn't someone inform you?"

"No, it's just that...Well, no one made it 100% clear what you wanted or why you wanted it, but I guess now it's clear."

"Good," said Ganon, "Now hand me your triforce of courage!"

"NEVER!" yelled Link.

"Fine then," said Ganon, calmly, "I shall take it!"

He then slowly transformed into a giant pig-like monster. His limbs were held to the ceiling with long strings, while another, larger string held up his back. Puppet Ganon began spinning around the room violently. Link tried to dodge him, but was knocked aside by his large tail.

"Ouch!" said Link, "What the fuck am I gonna do now? Think! Think!"

Suddenly it hit him.

"WOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!" screamed Link as Puppet Ganon swung his fist, knocking Link across the room and into a wall.

"I can't take this guy on my own," said Link, "But I know who can help me!"

Link remembered the conversation he had earlier and how KORL said that all of his ancestors had overcome adversity to defeat Ganondorf.

"My ancestors have done it before...So they can do it again!"

Puppet Ganon swung his fist again, but this time, Link dodged it. Link pulled out his Windwaker and began to conduct the song.

"Right, centre, down, right, centre, down," muttered Link.

Suddenly, a portal opened up.

"Woot! Let's do this!" Link approached the portal, "Take me to whenever _Ocarina of Time _takes place...And make it snappy!"

Link quickly disappeared into the portal. Within seconds, he arrived at his destination.


	16. Links to the Past

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 16:**

Link found himself in the middle of a large field. He wandered aimlessly for several hours.

"Wow," said Link, "I did not think this one through. I have no idea where my ancestor is and if I can't find him, I can't get back. Then again, this Hyrule is pretty nice. Especially the women. That Malon was smokin'! Dang, I should've gotten her number."

Link entered a small forest and began to explore. Suddenly, he was attacked by a couple of Stalfos'.

"Damn!" shouted Link.

As he readied his sword, an older boy in green suddenly appeared and helped fight off the creatures with his sword. Within seconds, they were dead.

"Oh my God!" said Link, "It's you! I mean, it's me! I mean...Sweet! You're sexier in person!"

"Um," said the hero of time, "Your welcome?"

"Right," said Link, "Listen, I came here to find you! I need your help!"

"Who are you?" asked OoT Link.

"My name is Link," replied WW Link.

"Like me!" said OoT Link, "That's my name as well!"

"Yes, you see I'm your descendant from hundreds of years in the future. I travelled through time because I need your help in defeating Ganondorf!"

"What? That's crazy! Why the hell should I believe you?"

"Look at me! We look alike. Ok, well, I am a few years younger than you, and I'm several pounds underweight due to all the crack I've smoked, but besides that, the resemblance is uncanny, no?"

"I guess," said OoT Link, "But it's kinda hard to believe. But if my mission is to defeat Ganondorf, how can he be alive in your time?"

"That's the thing," began WW Link, "He's invincible! No matter how many times our ancestors killed him he keeps coming back! That's why I need you, so we actually have a chance!"

"So it really doesn't matter if I defeat Ganondorf or not?" asked OoT Link.

"Technically no."

"Sweet! I can just screw this mission and go back to what I've always wanted to do!"

"What would that be?"

"Bang Nabooru and take fiddle lessons!"

OoT Link then pulled out a fiddle and began playing it while doing a hoedown.

"I don't think so!" yelled a voice.

"Who's that?" asked WW Link.

"Link, don't listen to this creep!" ordered Navi the fairy, "You have a mission to complete!"

"That's my fairy," said OoT Link, "She's supposed to guide me throughout my adventure. So far, all she's done is annoy me!"

"I hear you," said WW Link, "I got a guy like that back in my time!"

"And back to your time you shall go!" demanded Navi, "Go on! Leave us be!"

OoT rubbed his forehead.

"I'll handle it," said WW Link.

"Be my guest."

"What the..." began Navi.

Suddenly Link pulled out an empty bottle and trapped Navi inside.

"Hey!" screamed the fairy, "Let me outta here! Fuck you!"

WW Link then tossed the bottle aside.

"You got your Ocarina of Time?" asked WW Link.

"Yes," replied OoT Link.

"Good. We need it to time travel. Play the song of time, so we can go to the future!"

"Back to your time?"

"Not yet. There's actually someone else I wanna meet up with before we go back. After all the more, the merrier."

"Sweet, let's do this!"

OoT pulled out his Ocarina of Time and played the song of time. They were soon transported a hundred years in the future.

* * *

"We have to go where again?" asked Link.

"For the last time," began Link's partner, Midna, "West, to Gerudo Valley! That's where we'll find the next piece of the Twilight Mirror!"

"I thought I was done collecting stuff," moaned Link, "We're always running around looking for something, and I'm getting tired. Plus, how the hell do we even get to Gerudo Valley?"

"Hey," said Midna, "I just tell you where you go. How we get there is up to you."

Midna then flew into the ground and transformed into Link's shadow.

"Good for nothing...Telling me where to go all the time...Can't even stop for some ice cream!"

Link walked for a bit through the thick forest. Suddenly, there was a flash of light.

"Gaaaah!" yelled Link, "My eyes! What the fuck is going on?"

All of a sudden, Link saw two people standing in front of him, one a small child, and the other a teenager.

"What the..." began TP Link, "Who are you? Why are you dressed like me?"

"Ha!" yelled WW Link, "I told that would be the first thing he said when he saw us! Pay up!"

"Damnit," muttered OoT Link, "That's the last time I make a bet with you!"

"Excuse me," said TP Link, "But what's going on?"

"Listen up, pretty boy," began WW Link, "We're from...BROWN HAIR?"

"What?" asked TP Link.

WW Link then grabbed OoT Link by the collar and began to shake him violently.

"Who in God's name did you fuck?" demanded WW Link, "My ancestor has brown hair thanks to you!"

"Thanks to me?" asked OoT Link, "Firstly, I am yet to have sex as I am, or at least was, busy with my quest. Secondly, genetics is a complex thing! God only knows how he ended up with brown hair. And third, why do you care so much about our hair colour?"

"Oh, nothing," replied WW Link, "I just liked the thought of coming from a long line of blondes. Too bad Mr. brunette here had to ruin it."

"To be fair," began TP Link, "My hair is more dirty blonde than brown...But that's not the issue right now. What exactly do you guys want?"

"I'm from the future," said WW Link, "My friend is from the past. We're your descendent and ancestor, respectively."

"That's some messed-up shit," said TP Link.

"There' more," continued OoT Link, "You see, Ganondorf is back and more powerful than ever. That's why we all have to go back to his time and help defeat him once and for all!"

"But I defeated Ganondorf..." said TP Link, "Or at least I'm supposed to."

"Ha!" laughed WW Link, "Don't waste your time, 'cause Ganon's gonna keep coming back no matter what you do to him. So, what do you say?"

"Well..."

Suddenly, TP Link's shadow transformed into a small, imp-like creature.

"Ew," said WW Link, "Looks like the huge dump I took this morning!"

"Ha ha," said Midna, "I don't know who you guys are or what you want, but Link here ain't going anywhere! He's on a mission!"

"I believed we just said why we're here, you dumb shit," said WW Link, "And for that matter, who are you to tell him what to do?"

"The Twilight Princess...Well, I'm kinda vertically challenged at the moment, but yeah!"

"Like I know what a Twilight Princess is!"

'Reminds me of Navy," said OoT Link, "Maybe a little more annoying, though"

"It seems every Link has to deal with some annoying fucktard," said WW Link, "My guy's a talking boat."

"Actually," began TP Link, "A boat isn't that bad. He can only bug you while you're out at sea. On land, you're pretty much safe."

"True," said WW Link.

"Get lost freaks," said Midna, "Or I'll have Link turn into a wolf and eat you all!"

"Actually, I wanna go," said TP Link, "And you can't stop me this time!"

"Wanna bet?" asked Midna.

"No more bets!" yelled OoT Link, "Allow me!"

OoT Link pulled out his Megaton Hammer and swung it with all his might. He instantly struck Midna, sending her flying off into the distance.

"Sweet," said the three Links.

"Well," said WW Link, "Time to go the future! But not my time...Not yet."

"Where to then?" asked TP Link.

"The _future _future," replied WW Link, "I must have a descendent I can call for help!"

"Let's go then," said OoT Link, pulling out his Ocarina once more.

He then played the song and the trio were teleported 1000 years into the future.

* * *

Within seconds, the three Links found themselves in the middle of a large city. There were tall skyscrapers that reached the sky, large tubes that transported people around the city, hover cars, and 25 cent coin-operated hand job machines on every corner.

"Sweet," said WW Link, "This is my kind of future!"

"Stay focus," said TP Link, "We need to find..."

All of a sudden, a swarm of cyborg Moblins appears in the middle of the street and began firing lasers at passersby's.

"Damn," said WW Link, as he and the other two Links took cover behind a nearby car, "What do we do?"

"It was your idea coming here," said OoT, "You figure it out!"

"You really do moan a lot do you?" said WW Link.

"Hey! Give me a break! I never got to grow up; I went from 12 years old straight to 19!"

Just then, a small boy in a green jumpsuit appeared. He was short, with messy blonde hair and a large visor across his eyes. He pulled out a light saber and began waving it around.

"Prepare for annihilation," said the boy.

He then jumped into the air and slashed several Moblins' heads open. As he landed, he sliced the legs off another oncoming Moblin before impaling him. To end the battle, the boy pulled out a laser and vaporized the rest of the Moblins.

"Impressive," said WW Link, "You are truly my descendent!"

"Why?" asked Future Link, "'Cause I fight like you?"

"No, 'cause you are one sexy beast! Rrrrr..."

"Ahem. yes," said Future Link, "I am currently in the middle of an important quest to defeat the evil GanonBorg. Whatever your reason for coming to see me, it better be important!"

"I'm from the past and I'm having a crisis in my time."

"Ah yes," said Future Link, "I know all about your time travel exploits!"

"You do?"

"Yes. By travelling back in time and telling the past Links that fighting Ganon is useless since he will simply come back, you have thus created a paradox in which Ganon does, in fact, keep coming back."

"Oops," said WW Link.

"No worries," said Future Link, "I will aid you in your fight. I have the time device needed to go back as I presume you Ocarina and Windwaker are both out of the magic needed to travel this many years."

"Damn," said OoT Link, "This guy knows everything!"

"That's my boy!" said WW Link, pinching Future Link's cheek.

"Ahem, yes," said Future Link, "Hmmm...Where is the other Link?"

The trio turned and saw TP Link sitting in one of the coin-operated hand-job machines.

"Oh yeah," said TP Link, "That's the stuff, baby! OH!"

WW Link rubbed his forehead.

"Hurry the fuck up brown boy," he said, "We're busy here!"

"Sorry," said TP Link, getting out of the machine.

"Let's kick some ancient ass," said Future Link.

The four Links stood together as Future Link pulled out his time device and pressed the button. They were soon teleported back to Ganon's Castle in Windwaker Link's proper time. They then braced themselves for a fight.


	17. Pwned

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 17:**

The four Links found themselves hurdling through time and space at unbelievable speeds. Within seconds, they had arrived back at WW Link's time. They landed in the middle of the large room where Puppet Ganon awaited.

"Holy shit," said WW Link, "That was one hell of a ride!"

"Are we in the right time?" asked OoT Link.

"We should be," said Future Link.

"Uh, guys," said TP Link, "A little help here…"

TP Link was hanging by his underwear from one of the candlesticks on the wall.

"Damnit," snapped WW Link, "Can't you do anything right?"

"Hey!" said TP Link, "I've never time travelled before. I didn't know whether to tuck or flap my arms!"

WW Link rubbed his forehead. All of a sudden, there was a loud roar.

"Oh no," said Future Link, "It's Puppet Ganon!"

The great beast stood before the four Links and let out another roar. He then slammed his fist into the ground, forcing the three Links to dive out of the way.

"Hey!" yelled TP Link, "What about me? I'm stuck!"

TP Link's underwear suddenly ripped, causing him to fall to the floor.

"Ow," said TP Link, before standing up and joining the others.

"All right, guys," said WW Link, "Are you ready to do this?"

"Hellz yeah!" shouted OoT Link.

Puppet Ganon roared again before striking the ground with both of his fists. The four Links instantly dodged the move and split up.

Future Link pulled out his laser gun and aimed for Puppet Ganon's head. He fired a few shots, but they had no effect. Puppet Ganon turned towards Future Link and swung his fist, knocking him aside.

Meanwhile, TP Link transformed into a wolf and began to run up Puppet Ganon's body. Puppet Ganon tried to knock the wolf Link off, but instead struck himself in the chest. Wolf Link angrily bit down into Puppet Ganon's neck and struggled to hang on, but Puppet Ganon shook his head, swinging Wolf Link loose and sending him crashing to the ground. Wolf Link whimpered before walking away.

"We gotta aim for his tail," ordered WW Link, who fired a light arrow into Puppet Ganon's face, "I think it's his weak spot!"

"I'm on it," said OoT Link, as he pulled out his Master Sword.

OoT Link ran behind Puppet Ganon and tried to stab the giant yellow bulb at the end of the large tail.

"He's too fast!" yelled OoT Link, "I can't…OOF!"

Puppet Ganon swung his tail, striking OoT Link. OoT Link grabbed onto the tail and held on for his life as Puppet Ganon swung it around, trying to shake him off. This kept Puppet Ganon occupied as the other Links regrouped.

"This isn't working," said Future Link, "Puppet Ganon is far too strong for us to beat him!"

Wolf Link snarled in agreement.

"That's because we're not working as a team," said WW Link, "We have to work together to incapacitate Puppet Ganon, or else we won't be able to hit his tail!"

"Speaking of which," began Future Link, "How are you holding up?"

"I'm getting nauseous!" said OoT Link, who was struggling to hang on.

"I'll aim for his strings," said WW Link, "If those go, then he won't be able to move anymore! Wolf-boy, you will distract him. Space Link and Ocarina Link will go for the tail…Got it?"

The other two Links nodded. Suddenly, OoT lost his grip on the tail and went flying into a wall.

"Ouch," said OoT Link, "It doesn't matter what time you're from…That fucking hurts!"

With OoT Link off his tail, Puppet Ganon refocused his attention to the other Links, and began swinging his arms violently.

"It's now or never guys," said WW Link, "Let's go!"

The Links dodged Puppet Ganon's flailing arms. Wolf Link once again climbed up Puppet Ganon's torso, this time, clawing and biting ever part he reached. As Puppet Ganon roared in pain, Future Link used his lightsaber to ward off an oncoming arm.

"That was close," said Future Link.

"Yo," said OoT Link, "What's the plan?"

"We're going for the tail," replied Future Link, "Follow me!"

"Again?" said OoT Link, "Maybe I'll just go for the face this time…"

Future Link grabbed OoT Link and dragged him towards the tail.

As Wolf Link continued to distract Puppet Ganon, WW Link pulled out the boomerang he acquired in the Forsaken Fortress and aimed for the strings on his back.

"You're going down," said WW Link, "Literally!"

WW Link threw the boomerang, which flew around the room, slicing all the strings that it came in contact with. Puppet Ganon's arms fell and so did his head. There was just one string holding up his back (which the boomerang failed to cut) and another holding up his tail (which the boomerang missed).

"There's still one major string!" said Future Link, "And in the most inconvenient spot!"

"No problem," said OoT Link, "I got it!"

"That's what you said last time," said Future Link.

OoT Link simply gave Future Link a dirty look before running underneath the tail. He then aimed his hookshot and fired, which latched onto the tail, allowing OoT Link to pull himself up. Puppet Ganon swung his tail madly in an attempt to shake off OoT Link, but he managed to stay on this time. OoT Link pulled out his Master Sword, and with one mighty swing, he managed to cut the string on Puppet Ganon's tail.

"Yes!" said Future Link, "You did it!"

"Hurry," said OoT Link, "Shoot!"

Future Link pulled out his laser gun and began charging it to full power. Without any strings holding up his limbs, Puppet Ganon moved slowly around the room in a last desperate attempt to dodge the move. When the laser gun was fully charged, Future Link fired, sending a powerful energy blast that shattered Puppet Ganon's tail. Weak, and without any way of fighting back, Puppet Ganon slumped to the floor.

The four Links gathered together in front of the large beast. Wolf Link transformed back into normal and readied his sword.

"Time to die!" said WW Link.

The other Links cheered as all four of them charged for Puppet Ganon's face. After they all swung their swords, Puppet Ganon let out one final roar before flying up into the air and disintegrating. All that remained was the string that held up his back.

"Well guys," said WW Link, "We did it!"

"Yeah man!" said OoT Link, "You rocked this show!"

"You weren't that bad yourself," said Future Link.

"I was pretty good too, eh?" said TP Link.

"Shut up, wolfy" said WW Link, "You fail at life!"

TP Link lowered his head in shame.

"Well," said OoT Link, "I better get going back to my home time. I have so many things I need to do."

"I must be going back as well," said Future Link, "The evil Ganonborg will not defeat himself!"

"I better get going too," said TP Link, "Midna's gonna be so pissed!"

"Are you sure you no longer need us?" asked Future Link.

"I'll be fine," said WW Link, "Time for me to take care of the rest myself!"

"Goodbye, my ancestor," said Future Link, "It was nice fighting alongside you!"

"Yeah," said OoT Link, "I had a blast!"

"See ya," said TP Link.

The three Links gathered together as Future Link activated his time device. Within seconds, they all teleported, except for TP Link who suddenly fell to the floor.

"Um," said TP Link "Forgot to tuck again…"

Future Link then returned and teleported TP Link away for good this time.

"Well," said Link, "I'm on my own once again…"

"Mwahahaha," said Ganondorf, who stood on the high-up wooden beams.

"You," said Link, "I defeated you ugly puppet, now you're next!"

"If you want to stop me, then you're gonna have to come and get me!"

Ganondorf suddenly flew up.

"Damn," muttered Link.

He looked around the room for a way to get up. He then noticed the string that held up Puppet Ganon.

"Get ready, Ganondork," said Link, "'Cause here I come!"


	18. Shameless Advertising

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 18:**

_The following chapter is brought to you in part by Beedle's Shop Ship:_

"Hey! Hey! Hey!" announced Beedle, the shopkeeper, "I'm Beedle, owner of Beedle's Shop Ship. When not hosting popular HTV shows like _Pimp My Sword _or _Real World: Great Sea_, I'm out there sailing the treacherous seas, selling you only the best goods at low, low prices!"

Beedle stepped on board his ship and entered the door.

"There's no need to travel thousands of kilometers to find that special item you're looking for!" said Beedle, "I come to you. I'm sailing 24/7. I'm like a stalker…Wherever you are, I _will _find you, and you will buy from me."

Beedle then gave a menacing look to the camera for a few seconds before reverting back to his happy persona.

"In need of some arrows to kill your enemies? Then come by my shop for I have 30 arrows for just 30 rupees! Bombs? 50 rupees for a pack of 30! How about some Crack, Blow, or Ex?…Err, scratch those last three. And today only, we're having a sale on this magnificent piece of heart!"

Beedle then held up a piece of heart.

"That's right! You get the WHOLE PIECE for a mere 900 rupees. No one rips you off…I mean, _satisfies _you more than Beedle's Shop Ship! Still not convinced? Listen to these testimonials!"

**Carlov: **In my lonely, miserable life, I have found plenty of time to build miniature wooden sculptures. Where else would I find the supplies I need to build them but Beedle's Shop Ship? When I'm looking for someone to give me wood, I go and see Beedle!

**Salvatore: **Link, you little son of a prick! You came into my store, knocked me out and took my money! I worked hard for that you know! And look at this bump on my forehead… That's not going away anytime soon! See this? It's a subpoena! You better get your ass over here, coward, because you and me got ourselves a date in court! Oh, and Beedle rocks and whatever.

**Sue-Belle: **I spend my days carrying jars of my grandfather's urine on my head, because he's too old and frail to go to the bathroom, so he just does it all in pots. But the jars we have on Outset are too big and heavy and I keep dropping them. At Beedle's, I was able to find the right jar to fit my head at a very decent price. Now, I don't smell like pee anymore!

**Sturgeon: **Link, wherever you are… I'm gonna kill ya! I'm gonna rip you open and yank out your intestines! Ya hear me?

**Merman: **Beedle's Shop Ship has run me over countless times and ruined many of my brothers' habitats with pollution caused by its engine and Beedle's countless dumping. Yet I still shop at Beedle's for his fine selection of fish bait, and because I enjoy being a tool.

"Well," said Beedle, who stepped outside, "You've heard it all! Those are actual customers and not random people I've paid! If they enjoy Beedle's that much, don't you think you should come and give it a try?

"Just look for the small brown ship with the stunning, gorgeous portrait on the side, and hop on board. Make sure I'm not some pirate ship in disguise though, waiting to kidnap unsuspecting victims to be sold as sex slaves across the Great Sea…Um, of course, that's never happened before."

Beedle chuckled nervously.

"Beedle's," boomed Beedle, "Selling you only the best!"

* * *

Ganondorf stood at the top of the tallest tower of Hyrule Castle staring off into the distance. Zelda's unconscious body lay nearby. Behind Ganon, Link, who had been climbing for hours, finally made it to the top. He pulled himself over the edge and collapsed onto the platform from exhaustion.

"Took you long enough, boy," said Ganondorf without turning around.

"I (gasp) climbed over 1000 (gasp) feet," said Link, breathing heavily, "Give me a (gasp) fucking break! (Wheeze)"

"Allow me to tell you a story," said Ganon.

"Give me a sec," said Link, before puking a little bit.

"For a boy your age," began Ganon, "You are in poor shape."

"I know," replied Link, "I shouldn't have drunk all that rum and whisky before coming here."

"Anyways," said Ganon, "Where was I? Oh yes, I was going to tell you a story!"

"Another one of your stupid monologues?" asked Link, "No thanks! I'd rather just get this over with."

"Too bad," said Ganon, "I was born hundreds of years ago in a place known as the Gerudo Valley…"

"Here we go," sighed Link.

"It was a large barren place with a harsh climate, and the smell of death filled the air. Worst of all, the children who resided there were hideous."

"Hey" said Link, "Can't be too picky."

"Shut up," snapped Ganon, "And stop interrupting me. Anyways, the neighbouring kingdom of Hyrule had a much more pleasant air. Its wind carried with it life, and not death, and the children were far cuter than in Gerudo. It was a pedophile's dream come true. I suppose you can say I coveted those children."

"So you eventually escaped the wretched Gerudo Valley and tried to start over in Hyrule?" asked Link.

"Yes, Mr. Hero," said Ganon, "Thanks for completing my story, jackass."

"Hey," said Link, "Just trying to help."

"Anyways," said Ganon, "My plan to resurrect the kingdom of Hyrule is almost complete. When I bring it back, I shall be its ruler, and it will be a haven for all the world's child molesters. I have my triforce of power, and Zelda's triforce of wisdom. All I need now is your triforce of courage…"

"Come and get it, fatty," taunted Link, as he pulled out his Master Sword.

Suddenly, Ganon teleported right in front of Link.

"Aw, fu…"

Before Link could finish, Ganon delivered a couple of powerful punches to Link's face, before backhanding Link and sending him flying across the platform. Link's master sword landed right next to Zelda.

"Don't worry," said Ganon, "I won't kill you…yet. I just need to harvest your triforce. Then maybe I can finish the job I began in my fortress. I got a big library!"

Ganon then picked Link up by the wrist. Within seconds, a light began to glow on Link's hand, as well as Zelda's and Ganon's. The three pieces of the triforce instantly fused together and formed a large triforce in the center of the room.

"Yes," said Ganon, tossing Link's body away, "Now I can finally make my wish come true!"

Ganon slowly approached the triforce with his hand outstretched and a big smile on his face.

"Bring Hyrule back from under the Great Sea!" ordered Ganondorf, "And give it to me!"

All of a sudden, Ganon stopped. Standing in front of the triforce, with his hand on one of the triangles, was Daphnes Nohanssen Hyrule.

"HOLY DEUS EX MACHINA!" cursed Ganondorf, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Saving the world," replied Daphnes, "I remember all those things that Link had told me about not getting up off my lazy ass to help him on his quest. Well, as I sat in that dirty pool of water, thinking, I felt that this was my chance to finally do something."

Ganon just stood there in shock with his hand still outstretched.

"Hey, Link," called Daphnes, "You still think I'm a lazy bastard?"

The semi-conscious Link simply groaned before ripping a small fart.

"Oh, right," said Daphnes, "I have to make my wish!"

Daphnes cleared his throat:

"GODS HEAR ME OUT! WASH AWAY THE LAND OF HYRULE. MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE CAN EVER FIND IT AGAIN! GIVE LINK AND ZELDA SOME HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!

"ALSO, IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, DO YOU MIND MAYBE GETTING RID OF THAT WARRANT OUT FOR ME? I MEAN IT`S NOT LIKE I KILLED ANYONE…IMPORTANT. IT'S JUST THAT IT'S KINDA GETTING HARDER TO SHOW MY FACE OUT IN PUCBLIC AND WHATNOT. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND…THANKS!"

As soon as Daphnes finished his wish, the Triforce broke into three parts again and flew off. The barrier that protected Hyrule Castle from flooding suddenly cracked open, and water began pouring in rapidly from the skies. Cascades fell around the tower they stood on.

"Now," began Daphnes, "Our destinies may finally be fulfilled underwater. See ya later, biotch!"

Daphnes disappeared as Ganondorf continued to stand frozen in shock. Suddenly he lowered his arm and began laughing maniacally. The sound of Ganon's laughter woke up Zelda, who picked up the Master Sword and ran up to Link.

"Link," whispered Zelda, "Link, get up!"

"Just 5 more minutes, Grandma," muttered Link.

"No," said Zelda, "It's me, Zelda! You have to wake up now!"

"Zelda?" said Link, as he slowly got up.

"Wow," said Zelda, "You look like shit!"

"Yeah?" said Link, "Well you smell like shit."

"Ha ha, very funny. Come on, we gotta get outta here!"

Ganondorf continued to laugh hysterically.

"What the hell is fatty laughing about?" asked Link.

"I rented Season 4 of _The Office_ last night," replied Ganon, "That's some funny shit man!"

"Sorry," said Link, "I'm more of a _Lost _kind of guy."

"Are you now?" asked Ganon, "Well, maybe I'm just gonna have to kill you both!"

Ganondorf then drew 2 swords.

"Fucking Daphnes," said Link, "He fixes one problem, but causes like, 5 others. This could've been an easy escape but nooooo…I gotta fight my way out now! Fuck you!"

"Listen," said Zelda, "Give me your light arrows!"

"What the hell for?" said Link.

"So I can help fight him off! Duh!"

"Fuck you! None of the other Links needed help to fight the final boss!"

"Yeah, but the other Links weren't incompetent drunks like you! Now give me the damn arrows!"

"Geez," said Link, handing over the arrows, "We're a little touchy today!"

"I was kidnapped and held hostage by a fat fucking pedophile," replied Zelda, "And if you must know, I'm having my period, and I'm using a piece of Ganon's robes as a tampon!"

"Well," said Link, "You know what they say. _It's all fun and games until someone ovulates_."

"Where did you hear that?"

"I read it in _Period Monthly _magazine. Don't ask me why I have a subscription to that."

"Enough talk!" snapped Ganon, "Let's fight!"

Ganon began to approach Link.

"Let's do this!" said Link.


	19. Epic Conclusion

**Link's Windwaker Adventure!**

**Chapter 19:**

The barrier that once protected from Hyrule from the waters of the Great Sea was now broken, and water was pouring down all over the land. Ganon, Link and Zelda were safe at the moment, since they were at the top of a very tall tower, but at the rate the water was coming, the whole kingdom was going to be flooded in a matter of minutes.

Worse, Ganondorf, who had lost all hope of survival, let alone taking over the world, was now planning on eliminating Zelda and Link, despite the fact that the duo didn't really have a way out of Hyrule anyways. Ain't life a bitch?

"All you have to do," began Zelda, who was holding Link's bow and several light arrows, "Is distract him. I'll try to shoot him."

"Sounds easy enough," said Link.

As Ganon approached Link, Zelda ran off to the side, leaving Link to face Ganon alone.

"Die!" yelled Ganon, who brought his sword down onto Link.

Link blocked the attack by holding his sword over his head. Link struggled to hold the sword in place. Suddenly, Ganon delivered a kick to Link's testicles.

"OW!" yelped Link, "What the hell was that you cheap fuck?"

"Aren't I just the worst?" teased Ganon.

"That's it sucka!" said Link, "Youze gonna pay!"

Link charged Ganon and swung many times, but Ganon blocked each blow. Suddenly, Zelda, who was standing at a distance, fired an arrow straight for Ganondorf. Ganondorf saw the arrow coming and managed to jump out of the way.

"Damnit, bitch!" snapped Link, "Learn to aim!"

"I'm trying to hit him," said Zelda, "But you're not doing a very good job of distracting him!"

"Let's trade places," said Link, "I can probably nail this guy between his balls from like, 10 miles away!"

"Pay attention, fuckface!"

Link turned around and saw Ganondorf lunge straight for Link. Despite blocking the blow, the force was enough to knock Link down. Zelda fired again, this time, completely missing.

"Not even close!" said Link.

"Fuck off!" snapped Zelda.

"Time to take you out, little girl!" said Ganon, who then leapt toward Zelda.

"EEK!"

Before Zelda had a chance to reload the bow, Ganon struck her across the face with the hilt of his sword, knocking her out. Ganon readied his sword for a final blow...

"Not today, Ganon-dork!" said Link, who leapt onto Ganon's back.

"Gahhhh!" screamed Ganondorf, "Just so that you know, I would normally enjoy having a small child climb my back...But now, you're starting to piss me off!"

"That's good," said Link, who began pulling on Ganon's ears.

"OWWWW!" screamed Ganon, "You bastard!"

Ganon struggled to shake Link off. During this time, Zelda slowly recovered from her injury. Zelda slowly stood up and rubbed her cheek where Ganon struck her.

"Now I got you," said Ganon, grabbing a hold of Link.

"Oh boy," said Link.

Ganon then tossed Link over his shoulder and onto the floor. Ganon attempted to stomp on Link, but Link successfully rolled out of the way. Link quickly stood up and grabbed his sword.

"Listen, Link," began Zelda, "He's too fast..."

"The hell he is," said Link, "You're too slow."

"Shut up," snapped Zelda, "Anyways, the only way I can hit him is if I deflect the arrow off your shield. Keep him busy while I aim for your shield."

"Sounds like a good plan," said Link, "Except for the part where YOU SHOOT AT ME!"

"We have no choice," said Zelda, "Besides, when has my aim ever really been off?"

Link thought for a moment...

_Yes," said Tetra, "Now, we're going to magically warp you to the Fortress!"_

_"Really?"_

_"No, we're gonna stuff you in a cannon and launch you there. Happy travels!"_

_"Fuck..."_

_But before Link could finish his insult, Gonzo grabbed him and shoved him head-first into a cannon._

_"3...2...1...Fire!"_

_The cannon fired, sending Link flying ass-first into a large wall of the Forsaken Fortress. Link fell to the floor, with his sword lost on a high up balcony._

"Okay," said Zelda, "Besides that."

"Yeah," said Link, "I thought so."

"Let's just do this, alright?"

"Alright. But I swear to God, if you miss my shield and hit me...I won't really be able to do much to you since I'll most probably be dead. But so help you!"

Link then ran up to Ganondorf and attempted to strike him down.

"When will you learn, boy?" asked Ganon, "I'm too strong for you! Hahaha!"

"Yo momma," said Link.

Link and Ganon battled it out for a while as Zelda, who was standing behind Ganon, loaded another arrow and prepared to take the shot. She had to wait for the right moment...

During the fight, Ganon suddenly flew up into the air and came flying down towards Link. Link held up both his sword and shield and blocked the deadly blow. The force sent both combatants flying back.

"Now!" screamed Link.

Zelda fired a light arrow straight at Link, who raised his shield at the oncoming projectile. The arrow bounced off Link's shield and flew straight towards Ganon.

"NOOOOOOO!" shouted Ganon.

The arrow impaled Ganon square in the chest. Ganon simply stood in place, with his head spinning dizzily. Just then, the theme song from _Mortal Kombat _began playing as the background became darker.

"FINISH HIM!" boomed Zelda.

"Hiyaaaa!" yelled Link.

Link ran towards Ganon and leapt into the air. As Link came back down, he plunged his Master Sword straight into Ganondorf's balding head. A ridiculous amount of blood and gore flew across the arena.

"Fatality..." muttered Link.

"YOU DID IT!" cried Zelda, who ran up to hug Link, "YOU DID IT! YOU ROCK!"

"You mean _we _rock!" said Link, "No wait..._I_ is better."

Zelda frowned.

"Hehehe..." chuckled Ganon, who had a sword stuck in his forehead.

"Still thinking of _The Office?_" asked Link.

"Nah," said Ganon, "Now I'm thinking of _Two and a Half Men_...Good stuff, good stuff."

"Yeah," agreed Link.

All of a sudden, Ganondorf transformed into stone, leaving the Master Sword stuck in his head.

"Damnit," snapped Link, "How the hell am I gonna get my sword back?"

"Let it go," said Zelda, "It's the end now."

"I know," said Link, "But my sword and I have been through so much together..."

* * *

Link then had a series of fantasies which included:

-Link running around, chopping up enemies with his sword.

-Link happily jumping around a flowery field, while swinging his Master Sword around.

-Link at a frat boy party getting drunk and chugging beer with his Master Sword.

-Link in bed with the Master Sword...

* * *

"LINK!" shouted Zelda, "LINK! SNAP OUT OF IT!"

"What?" asked Link, "What is it?"

"How the hell are we gonna out of here?" asked Zelda, "There's no way out, and this place is flooding fast!"

"We just sit back and let the current drag us along. We'll be fine.

"Really?"

"No! Are you kidding? We're fucked! This is the end, man! That's it, that's all! WE ARE DEEEEAAAAD! AAAAAGGGGHHH!"

Suddenly, there was a flash of light.

"Well, well, well," said Link, "Look who's back..."

"Sorry about running away," said Daphnes, "I just remembered that I, err, left the stove on."

"Sure you did," said Link, "Did you know we almost got killed by Ganonfuck over there?"

"But you beat him," said Daphnes, "So that's good, I guess."

"No shit," said Link, "We saved the world. Now how the hell are we gonna get out of here?"

"One step ahead of you," said Daphnes, "I built a couple of jetpacks for you to launch yourselves to the surface."

"Sweet!" said Link and Zelda.

"Ho, Ho, Ho," laughed Daphnes, "My bad. The jetpacks are broken at the moment. I guess I'll just provide you two with protective bubble shields, and you shall aimlessly float to the surface."

"Aw, fuck!" said Link.

"Listen, children, began Daphnes, "I am really sorry that the two of you got caught up in all of this. I refused to let go of my beloved kingdom and by keeping it down here, I've put everyone on the surface in great danger. I was bound to Hyrule, and in that sense, I am no different than Ganondorf..."

"Well," said Link, "You know what they say. _Opposites attract, likes repel_!"

"Another _Period Monthly_ quote?" asked Zelda.

"Shaddup," snapped Link.

"Anyways," said Daphnes, "I am sorry for everything. Now, Hyrule will be gone forever, and I shall drown with it."

"Hey, man," said Link, "Don't sweat it. It was fun travelling with you and...Wait, what? You wanna drown with Hyrule?"

"Aren't you coming with us?" asked Zelda.

"Hell no," said Daphnes, "If there was one things Ganon was right about, it's that who the hell would wanna live on a bunch of tiny, scattered islands?"

Link and Zelda frowned.

"No, seriously though," said Daphnes, "That's your kingdom now. I have no business going there. Ima just kick back, relax and die a slow, horrible death here. Have fun!"

"Sweet!" said Link, "I will!"

The two then high-fived.

All of a sudden, the barrier that protected Hyrule completely shattered and water began pouring in faster than ever. The entire kingdom was flooded in a few seconds. Link and Zelda found themselves in protected bubbles. Link and Zelda slowly began floating to the surface. Link desperately held out his hand, but Daphnes merely turned his back. That was the last Link and Zelda ever saw of Daphnes.

* * *

"Link!" said Tetra, "Link! Wake up!"

"No, Grandma," muttered Link, "I didn't eat the last cookie. Aryll did..."

"Link, you idiot! Get up!"

"Huh?" asked Link, "Where am I? And why are you dressed like a smelly pirate again?"

"I guess the magic wore off when we arrived at the surface," said Tetra, "No more princess outfit for me."

"Aw," said Link, "You were much hotter before."

Link then looked around. He and Tetra were on a boat.

"Welcome," said the leader of Salvage Corp, "To the _S.S. Waverider!_"

"Hi!" said the others.

"You again?" asked Link.

"Yup," said the leader, "My boys and I found you and your girlfriend drifting in the sea and so we pulled you on deck using our treasure crane! Good think we were passing by at the time, or you could've been eaten by Gyorgs!"

"Phew," said the other Salvage Corp. members.

"Good to know you're okay," said the leader.

"Hey," said Link, "Is this the new boat you guys bought?"

"Yup," said the leader, "With all those rupees you gave us. Isn't it sweet?"

"Sweeeeeet..." said the others.

"We've already caught quite a few treasures with it! Would you like..."

"NO!" interrupted Link, "Not interested!"

"Awwww," said the leader.

"Awwww," said the others.

"Hey Link," said Tetra, "Look!"

In the distance, Link saw a large ship approaching. He immediately recognized it as Tetra's pirate ship.

"Egad!" said the leader, "Pirates! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

He then jumped into the sea.

"Eek!" said the others, who all jumped into the water as well.

When the ship got close, Link and Tetra could see all the people on board, including Tetra's pirates and Aryll, who was wearing a purple skull dress and had a Mohawk hairdo.

"What the fuck?" snapped Link, "Aryll, what in God's name did you do to your hair?"

"Like it?" she asked, "Mako's such an awesome barber. Now, I look cooler than you! Hee-hee!"

"NO!" yelled Link, "You like a douche with that hair, and you better have that thing removed, or so help you God!"

"Shut up, Big Brother," said Aryll, "You can't tell me what to do! Which reminds me, I want my telescope back, dumbass! "

"I sold it for smack a few months ago."

"Fuck you, Big Brother, you always lose my stuff!"

"Is this how you repay someone who saved your life? By insulting them?"

"Only if the person who saved my life happens to be the biggest fuck-up to ever walk the face this planet!"

"That's it; wait till I come up there! If you're so ungrateful to be alive, I'll kill you myself right here, right now!"

Tetra rubbed her forehead.

"Gonzo," she said, "Please just toss us the rope so we can get on. I'm getting a headache."

There was no answer.

"Gonzo?" said Tetra, "Yoo-hoo, Gonzo!"

Meanwhile, Gonzo was below decks with Quill, the transvestite postman. They were sitting together on Tetra's bed.

"So baby," said Gonzo, "Does deliverin' the mail ever get tough?"

"You do realize," began Quill, "That I'm not actually a..."

"Shhh..." said Gonzo, putting a finger to Quill's mouth, "Don's talk baby. As long as you don't say anything, we can just pretend."

Gonzo then slowly closed the bedroom door...

* * *

Later, back on Outset Island, Link and Aryll had a heartfelt reunion with all the friends and family they had left behind on their epic journey.

"Oh, Link," said Grandma, "It's so wonderful to see you again. I'm so glad you're okay!"

"Yup," said Link, "Thanks for all your support!"

"And you brought a friend," said Grandma, "What's your name, dear?"

"Um, Grandma..." began Link, "That's Aryll."

Grandma simply stared at Link.

"Aryll," repeated Link, "Your granddaughter...The one who's been missing for over a year!"

"Oh," said Grandma, "Nice to see you again! I hope you're alright."

"Don't worry about me, Grandma," said Aryll, "I'm fine!"

"Bitchin' hairdo, by the way," said Grandma.

Link rolled his eyes.

"Link!" said Orca, who was surrounded by his entourage of Chu-chus, "You're alright! I see all my sword training has helped you greatly!"

"Yeah, sure," said Link, "Helped..."

"Come on Link," said Tetra, "We gotta start our new epic journey now."

"Already?" said Link, "Geez! I just got back! At least let me 'unwind' if you know what I mean!"

"Forget it," said Tetra, "There are islands to be explored, enemies to be fought and...Aw fuck it! We'll leave tomorrow!"

"Yeah!" said Link, "It's party time!"

Everyone cheered and began dancing. All of a sudden, Sturgeon came out of nowhere and whacked Link on the head with his cane, knocking Link to the floor.

"Hahahahaha," laughed Sturgeon, "I told ya I'd get ya, boy! You can't hide from me! Hehehehehe!"

"Goddamnit," grumbled Link.

The Living End...


End file.
